it goes like this
the fourth, the fifth
the minor fall, the major lift
-rufus wainwright
[painted on the sky]
...all my bags are packed, i'm ready to go....
but not really. yet the time has thrust itself upon me, much sooner than i ever could have ever been prepared. mentally, i'm in the strange grey space between excited anticipation over a new state, a new place, a brand new job (essentially the culmination of everything i've been striving for my entire life) and leaving this place.
for an outsider looking in, my wavering feelings may seem ridiculous. quite the contrary. this place, pendalouan, has been my home for four years. the place where i've grown into the person i love best, the place where i can make a difference in hundreds of lives each day, the place that i feel comfortable in my own skin. even more than comfortable, i feel loved for exactly who i am. and that, my friends, is something remarkable.
to be loved by the people here, not only by the children, but by a staff of thirty unique and astonishing individuals is something. something extraordinary and wonderful, something that is hard to leave.
this wouldn't be so terrible if everyone were leaving at the same time, but the unfortunate realities of my new teaching job require me to leave a week early. hence the emotional breakdowns, the hole in my heart that widens a little bit every time someone looks at me forlornly, the hole that gapes when people cry for me.
....so kiss me and smile for me....
i don't think i can explain just how much camp means to me. so i won't try tonight. there have already been too many tears as i stared out into the magenta-streaked sky from the t-dock, mourning a parting that is still yet to come.
goodnight for now.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
[shake me like a monkey]
do you know what it's like
to feel the light of love inside you
and all the darkness falls away
if you feel the way i feel
then i believe we have the answer
i've been searching for tonight
-dave matthews band
[make love shine]
::sigh of relief::
home.at.last.
well, for a brief moment. the family's next mission, now that we're 3 3/4 together (Scott doesn't count as a whole person, due to his crutches...), is to venture to the cabino up north tomorrow. so much for staying away from the car for a while.
but you better believe i'm appreciating the time out of a moving vehicle.
like whoa.
to feel the light of love inside you
and all the darkness falls away
if you feel the way i feel
then i believe we have the answer
i've been searching for tonight
-dave matthews band
[make love shine]
::sigh of relief::
home.at.last.
well, for a brief moment. the family's next mission, now that we're 3 3/4 together (Scott doesn't count as a whole person, due to his crutches...), is to venture to the cabino up north tomorrow. so much for staying away from the car for a while.
but you better believe i'm appreciating the time out of a moving vehicle.
like whoa.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
[bluer]
i get by a little bit
just a little bit
that way
-over the rhine
[day by day]
iowa. ew.
we're almost home....so close, yet so far away. i'm very ready for this to be over. i love my family, but man, so much time with them is a little overwhelming, to say the least.
so for now i'm just trying to hang in there.
i recently (okay, a few hours ago) finished America: Hegemony or Survival by Noam Chomsky, and it put me in a very analytical mood. and with all this time on the road to think, this is the end result....
To answer the question…”Why do I want to help people?”
In consideration of the question, certain terms require definition and clarification before I can continue. Both the terms “people” and “help” are extremely vague and may have undesirable implications if left unaddressed.
The word “help” in application to my own theories, has taken several meanings, dependent upon context. Help could mean “quietly leading by example”, “providing structure and organization when needed”, “noticing internal struggle and lending support through listening or consultation”, “intervening upon request or necessity of situation”, “enabling success in personal or group endeavors”, or any number of different combinations thereabout. Perhaps by explaining what “help” is not, it will be better clarified. “Help” is not actively seeking those people who seem to be experiencing difficulty and, to put it crudely, “butting in” so that I may aid them. Rather, my version of “help” is to aid those who have sought me towards success in their endeavors as thoroughly as possible.
“People” is a word with so many connotations and denotations, which necessitates further exploration and discussion. To apply “people” within my context means any individual or group of individuals that seek or require my assistance. Even requests seemingly unimportant or trivial may have some sort of lasting impact and should not be disregarded. As stated by Mother Theresa, “Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier.” I was so struck by the simplicity and necessity in this statement, as it describes the very essence of what I hope to accomplish, my internal driving force.
With those clarifications, I hope to further explore my own personal motivation, which links directly to my general course of life action. An essential component of the initial question is the word “why”. “Why do I feel it is important to help people?” Let me begin by stating that I am someone very connected to and driven by feelings. The heightened emotional awareness is something that will play an important role throughout this investigation. I, however, digress. In examining my personal motivations for helping, I must explore my connectedness with others. From the beginning, I have always been drawn to people. My first word, “Hi”, clearly delineates the fact that, even as a child, I was aware and involved with others around me. In preschool, I would walk around introducing myself and ask, “Can I help you?” Obviously my desire to aid my peers was already displayed, as I was acting upon internal principles not yet deciphered. Inherently, I feel a connection to the human race, as I am a part of it. Yet at times I am disgusted, even horrified, by people as a whole. The prevalence of such terrors as war, rape, famine, corruption, abuse, and pollution often overwhelm me when viewed as a whole. So why do I want to help people? The answer can be found by examining a person, rather than the collective people. A person, I believe, is inherently good. Evil comes from acting in deliberate opposition to what is good. It is this goodness that I hope to preserve in and elicit from a person when we come into personal contact. I have been described as an “enabler”, and I feel that this is one of the most accurate representations of myself. I recognize the intrinsic good in people. Through my actions, I am then able to bring said person to a position where they are capable of reaching their goals (and ideally goodness). That said, people that come to me with undesirable goals or needs, those that would promote the existence of or induce evil, will not be supported. I enable the good in people. I believe all people are capable of good, and it is my most inherent desire to facilitate that behavior. Everything in life moves in a circle, to paraphrase Black Elk, and whatever is put into the universe will ultimately come back to the bearer. Call it karma, call it circles, call it what you will, the principle remains the same: You get what you give. If, by my actions I am able to produce good that will impact the world, then I have accomplished my ultimate goal.
If, in helping people I am able to enable the good in them, then I have explained the importance of my actions. Yet, I have not entirely answered the question “Why?” Why do I want to help people? Simply this: Because I care. I care about people. I care about their well-being, their education, their general quality of life. I believe that everyone is good, everyone is equal, and everyone deserves to life their life to the best of their ability. It is my desire, spawned from this love, to help. To help improve. To help others improve their lives. Obviously, this is not only accomplished solely through large gestures of charity as exemplified by such leaders as Mother Theresa, but also in small ways. I know I can make a difference just by listening to someone who just needs to talk. It is in these moments, both small and large, that hopefully I can impact a person for good. For good, meaning in a good way and also in a way that will last forever. It is in this way that I am infinite.
In recognition of my intense desire to help bring out the good in people, I must address how this desire has impacted my chosen life course. I am a teacher. I always have been a teacher. In teaching comes leading, though often not directly. Ideally, a teacher is one that shows, explains, involves, structures, and then enables students to successfully explore, manipulate, and ideally understand. This is not always a conscious route, though it is one that will facilitate the most comprehension. Even in my youth I knew I was going to be a schoolteacher. I taught as well, though not in the curriculum sense of the word. To Teach is to be a student of life who conveys what he or she has learned to others and thusly learns from others. I have been driven to teach for several reasons. The first of which is my own thirst for knowledge, for a deeper understanding. To teach is to learn, and I never want to stop learning. Secondly, I feel that education is a valuable tool that is necessary for success. Education, by my definition, is not always what is found in textbooks. A fundamental education provides students with the ability to understand and investigate the world around them, then making important and relevant connections to a scaffolding of prior knowledge that has been structured by life-teachers.
While it has always been my desire to teach, I have since specialized my course. Special Education is a path that became clear to me through my own family. After the birth of my cousin Brian when I was ten, I was introduced into the world of special education. Brian, being born extremely premature at one pound, one ounce, was born with cerebral palsy and cognitive impairments. Through volunteering to work with Brian at a stable that facilitates horseback-riding for the physically, emotionally, and cognitively impaired, I worked with a population that seemed to need me so very much that I fell in love, so to speak. I knew that they needed me, and I had the skills and the desire to help them in every way possible to be successful. Working with students with special needs seems to me the only way to teach. Each child is different, thus they all have “special needs”. Some, however, have much more trouble learning from the established framework of education. These are the people with whom I want to work. To enable them to learn is much like a giant puzzle, a completely engaging task.
I have established my desire to work in the education field, providing the fundamental scaffolding to those students with special needs. Now it is necessary to discuss the importance of working with youth. The sooner you can “get” to a student, the sooner you can ignite within them the desire to learn and to accomplish good, the more likely they are to be successful in their future endeavors. I liken this to the archer who knocks his arrow. If the arrow is set wrong, if the fletchings are facing the wrong direction, the arrow will not fly correctly and may not make it to the target at all. You can’t change an arrow’s path mid-flight. Once it is shot, it is gone for good. So I compare elementary education to the knocking of the arrow. The positioning of the archer is essential, as well as the knowledge of the archer in setting the arrow correctly. It is a job of much importance, one that I am deeply invested in through my work as a teacher and camp counselor.
And so it is in these ways that I hope to impact others. What will the future hold as far as helping? I hope to join the Peace Corps sometime in the near future, thus fulfilling my desire to travel as well as to help people in meaningful ways. Another goal of mine is to work as a photojournalist, bringing to the forefront of public domain the necessity of humanitarian aid through disclosing both the good and bad aspects of humanity and world culture. Still another path is environmental law. My ability to think logically and connectedly, in combination with my intense stubbornness and beliefs, provide a solid basis for tackling a structure, which, if changed, will facilitate the betterment of the environment. Thus, facilitating the betterment of humanity.
My goal in life is, simply, to make a difference.
hah, i just realized the title of the post is also the color i scored in Margaret's personality test. go figure. everything in my life is blue.
i like it that way :)
just a little bit
that way
-over the rhine
[day by day]
iowa. ew.
we're almost home....so close, yet so far away. i'm very ready for this to be over. i love my family, but man, so much time with them is a little overwhelming, to say the least.
so for now i'm just trying to hang in there.
i recently (okay, a few hours ago) finished America: Hegemony or Survival by Noam Chomsky, and it put me in a very analytical mood. and with all this time on the road to think, this is the end result....
To answer the question…”Why do I want to help people?”
In consideration of the question, certain terms require definition and clarification before I can continue. Both the terms “people” and “help” are extremely vague and may have undesirable implications if left unaddressed.
The word “help” in application to my own theories, has taken several meanings, dependent upon context. Help could mean “quietly leading by example”, “providing structure and organization when needed”, “noticing internal struggle and lending support through listening or consultation”, “intervening upon request or necessity of situation”, “enabling success in personal or group endeavors”, or any number of different combinations thereabout. Perhaps by explaining what “help” is not, it will be better clarified. “Help” is not actively seeking those people who seem to be experiencing difficulty and, to put it crudely, “butting in” so that I may aid them. Rather, my version of “help” is to aid those who have sought me towards success in their endeavors as thoroughly as possible.
“People” is a word with so many connotations and denotations, which necessitates further exploration and discussion. To apply “people” within my context means any individual or group of individuals that seek or require my assistance. Even requests seemingly unimportant or trivial may have some sort of lasting impact and should not be disregarded. As stated by Mother Theresa, “Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier.” I was so struck by the simplicity and necessity in this statement, as it describes the very essence of what I hope to accomplish, my internal driving force.
With those clarifications, I hope to further explore my own personal motivation, which links directly to my general course of life action. An essential component of the initial question is the word “why”. “Why do I feel it is important to help people?” Let me begin by stating that I am someone very connected to and driven by feelings. The heightened emotional awareness is something that will play an important role throughout this investigation. I, however, digress. In examining my personal motivations for helping, I must explore my connectedness with others. From the beginning, I have always been drawn to people. My first word, “Hi”, clearly delineates the fact that, even as a child, I was aware and involved with others around me. In preschool, I would walk around introducing myself and ask, “Can I help you?” Obviously my desire to aid my peers was already displayed, as I was acting upon internal principles not yet deciphered. Inherently, I feel a connection to the human race, as I am a part of it. Yet at times I am disgusted, even horrified, by people as a whole. The prevalence of such terrors as war, rape, famine, corruption, abuse, and pollution often overwhelm me when viewed as a whole. So why do I want to help people? The answer can be found by examining a person, rather than the collective people. A person, I believe, is inherently good. Evil comes from acting in deliberate opposition to what is good. It is this goodness that I hope to preserve in and elicit from a person when we come into personal contact. I have been described as an “enabler”, and I feel that this is one of the most accurate representations of myself. I recognize the intrinsic good in people. Through my actions, I am then able to bring said person to a position where they are capable of reaching their goals (and ideally goodness). That said, people that come to me with undesirable goals or needs, those that would promote the existence of or induce evil, will not be supported. I enable the good in people. I believe all people are capable of good, and it is my most inherent desire to facilitate that behavior. Everything in life moves in a circle, to paraphrase Black Elk, and whatever is put into the universe will ultimately come back to the bearer. Call it karma, call it circles, call it what you will, the principle remains the same: You get what you give. If, by my actions I am able to produce good that will impact the world, then I have accomplished my ultimate goal.
If, in helping people I am able to enable the good in them, then I have explained the importance of my actions. Yet, I have not entirely answered the question “Why?” Why do I want to help people? Simply this: Because I care. I care about people. I care about their well-being, their education, their general quality of life. I believe that everyone is good, everyone is equal, and everyone deserves to life their life to the best of their ability. It is my desire, spawned from this love, to help. To help improve. To help others improve their lives. Obviously, this is not only accomplished solely through large gestures of charity as exemplified by such leaders as Mother Theresa, but also in small ways. I know I can make a difference just by listening to someone who just needs to talk. It is in these moments, both small and large, that hopefully I can impact a person for good. For good, meaning in a good way and also in a way that will last forever. It is in this way that I am infinite.
In recognition of my intense desire to help bring out the good in people, I must address how this desire has impacted my chosen life course. I am a teacher. I always have been a teacher. In teaching comes leading, though often not directly. Ideally, a teacher is one that shows, explains, involves, structures, and then enables students to successfully explore, manipulate, and ideally understand. This is not always a conscious route, though it is one that will facilitate the most comprehension. Even in my youth I knew I was going to be a schoolteacher. I taught as well, though not in the curriculum sense of the word. To Teach is to be a student of life who conveys what he or she has learned to others and thusly learns from others. I have been driven to teach for several reasons. The first of which is my own thirst for knowledge, for a deeper understanding. To teach is to learn, and I never want to stop learning. Secondly, I feel that education is a valuable tool that is necessary for success. Education, by my definition, is not always what is found in textbooks. A fundamental education provides students with the ability to understand and investigate the world around them, then making important and relevant connections to a scaffolding of prior knowledge that has been structured by life-teachers.
While it has always been my desire to teach, I have since specialized my course. Special Education is a path that became clear to me through my own family. After the birth of my cousin Brian when I was ten, I was introduced into the world of special education. Brian, being born extremely premature at one pound, one ounce, was born with cerebral palsy and cognitive impairments. Through volunteering to work with Brian at a stable that facilitates horseback-riding for the physically, emotionally, and cognitively impaired, I worked with a population that seemed to need me so very much that I fell in love, so to speak. I knew that they needed me, and I had the skills and the desire to help them in every way possible to be successful. Working with students with special needs seems to me the only way to teach. Each child is different, thus they all have “special needs”. Some, however, have much more trouble learning from the established framework of education. These are the people with whom I want to work. To enable them to learn is much like a giant puzzle, a completely engaging task.
I have established my desire to work in the education field, providing the fundamental scaffolding to those students with special needs. Now it is necessary to discuss the importance of working with youth. The sooner you can “get” to a student, the sooner you can ignite within them the desire to learn and to accomplish good, the more likely they are to be successful in their future endeavors. I liken this to the archer who knocks his arrow. If the arrow is set wrong, if the fletchings are facing the wrong direction, the arrow will not fly correctly and may not make it to the target at all. You can’t change an arrow’s path mid-flight. Once it is shot, it is gone for good. So I compare elementary education to the knocking of the arrow. The positioning of the archer is essential, as well as the knowledge of the archer in setting the arrow correctly. It is a job of much importance, one that I am deeply invested in through my work as a teacher and camp counselor.
And so it is in these ways that I hope to impact others. What will the future hold as far as helping? I hope to join the Peace Corps sometime in the near future, thus fulfilling my desire to travel as well as to help people in meaningful ways. Another goal of mine is to work as a photojournalist, bringing to the forefront of public domain the necessity of humanitarian aid through disclosing both the good and bad aspects of humanity and world culture. Still another path is environmental law. My ability to think logically and connectedly, in combination with my intense stubbornness and beliefs, provide a solid basis for tackling a structure, which, if changed, will facilitate the betterment of the environment. Thus, facilitating the betterment of humanity.
My goal in life is, simply, to make a difference.
hah, i just realized the title of the post is also the color i scored in Margaret's personality test. go figure. everything in my life is blue.
i like it that way :)
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