[hallelujah]

it goes like this
the fourth, the fifth
the minor fall, the major lift


-rufus wainwright


[painted on the sky]


...all my bags are packed, i'm ready to go....

but not really. yet the time has thrust itself upon me, much sooner than i ever could have ever been prepared. mentally, i'm in the strange grey space between excited anticipation over a new state, a new place, a brand new job (essentially the culmination of everything i've been striving for my entire life) and leaving this place.
for an outsider looking in, my wavering feelings may seem ridiculous. quite the contrary. this place, pendalouan, has been my home for four years. the place where i've grown into the person i love best, the place where i can make a difference in hundreds of lives each day, the place that i feel comfortable in my own skin. even more than comfortable, i feel loved for exactly who i am. and that, my friends, is something remarkable.
to be loved by the people here, not only by the children, but by a staff of thirty unique and astonishing individuals is something. something extraordinary and wonderful, something that is hard to leave.
this wouldn't be so terrible if everyone were leaving at the same time, but the unfortunate realities of my new teaching job require me to leave a week early. hence the emotional breakdowns, the hole in my heart that widens a little bit every time someone looks at me forlornly, the hole that gapes when people cry for me.

....so kiss me and smile for me....


i don't think i can explain just how much camp means to me. so i won't try tonight. there have already been too many tears as i stared out into the magenta-streaked sky from the t-dock, mourning a parting that is still yet to come.


goodnight for now.