[africa]

i seek to cure what's deep inside
frightened of this thing that i've become


-toto




[she's not a girl that misses much]



engaged in a spoon war today at the chili cook off with one of my fourth graders.
i would say, i'm oblivious to most things - acting like a child will do that. but dang, it sure was fun to run around flicking people with a plastic spoon :)
so much for being an adult.


peace all.

[i wish i was a girl]

and i'm going down to hollywood
they're gonna make a movie from the things
that they find crawlin' round my brain


-counting crows


[keep it safe and slow]


highlights from chi:

happy surprises: jory's face upon seeing megan, rocketing through the dark, playing with the garmin, good conversation, musical interlude, making it to the porches, once again home.

dirty dancing: megan and i wandered around the city on a search, almost died going up steel steps, and danced like nobody's business while pretending to be girlfriends in an attempt to avoid undesirable attention, fake kiss included.

late night pizza talk: chuck and i talked over the world's best pizza, late into the night. it is in these moments that the world seems right.

slug-a-bed: waking up at eight to a phantom alarm. pizza for breakfast. surgeon general's warning - be advised, yellow blanket is crack in blanket form. may induce coma like state for greater part of the day. waking up softly to sigur ros. burritos and pictures of days gone by. talking away the day away in drowsy tones.

communal dinner: adventures in dominick's for stir fry, maneuvering around chacho's to make our delicious meal, BREAD AND BRIE, love in the kitchen in teasing form, SWEET MANDY B'S cupcake delights. sweet mandy b's, you have my soul for all eternity. smoking hot red beans and rice. my mouth is still on fire. who thought it was a good idea to shovel through it?

silly scrabble: clowds, nintndooee, iqratch, twee, tlee, vd - love the madness. during that game i laughed harder than i've laughed in a good, long time.

(side note: apparently i laugh like santa clause, and thus the logical conclusion is that i am secretly married to the man with a bowl full of jelly and a magnificent beard.)

quiet knight inside: movie time at the porches. curled up, picking apart one of the better movies i've seen. early night with mysterious lights on.

grey morning: chicago bagel authority - they sure know what they're talking about, instigating an aluminum foil war, nefarious strategery, laughs along the walk back. "i'm going to get into the car and fall asleep" "oh, thank god", parking ticket delights, close hugs goodbye.

on the road again: getting lost trying to find gas, "do you know where you're at? be careful.", panera love, quiet talks of everything, more hugs goodbye.

another adventure in chicago gone by. what is it about that city that is so good?
it is the people we find that make homes in our hearts who are carried with us wherever we go.
so home is just another word for you, friend.
and all is love.


peace all.

[braille]

she was lying on the floor counting stretch marks
she hadn't been a virgin and he hadn't been a god
so they named the baby elvis
to make up for the royalty he lacked


-regina spektor


[reaffirmation]


you know how i know i'm meant to be a special ed teacher?
give me a small, ADHD child and i melt all to pieces.
i want to do everything within my physical capability to help.
(well, that's one of the reasons, anyway.)
my class took a field trip to the michigan historical museum today.
have i mentioned that i love them?
i'm subbing for them on tuesday...here we go, legit teaching.
yes please.




peace, all.

[how you survived the war]

you never multiply, all these divisions
you give yourself the least of parts
i put on my green felt hat; pack our provisions
playing a merry prince of thieves


-the weepies


[stand inside your love]


my students requested to stay inside for recess and watch the inauguration.
i had "appalachian spring" stuck in my head all day.
my body decided to quit on me and i nearly blacked out before tutoring.
i simply cannot put into words how excited i am for this weekend. love.
oh, the possibilities.


peace, all.

[the resolution]

there's a lot that i don't know
there's a lot that i'm still learning
but i think i'm letting go
to find my body, it's still burning

-jack's mannequin


[light in the darkness]


some days learning how to let go is not only the toughest lesson, but also the one that is most crucial.
i won't be held back any longer.
here it goes.


here's to looking forward to this, my last semester, and living it up to every expectation.
more adventures to come.


peace, all.

[ocean breathes salty]

the ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in
in your head, in your heart, in your soul


-modest mouse


[o valencia]


okay. time to start looking at the good things that have happened recently.

*brunch with the interns. we get stared at wherever we go....something about being loud? that's familiar.
*2am phone call from chuck. apparently i'm "the balls of life". i'm putting that one in my pocket and pulling it out on a rainy day. so stinking good :) there's something about our walking home talks that provoke such deep reflection.
*having everyone home! all the roomies are back and there's a joyful noise once again in my house.
*snow shoveling partners in crime!
*hanging out with monty and emilie, watching men in black and talking about life.
*getting my learning disabilities certification test over with!
*reading to the children and OWNING! they all had their own copies of the book and were supposed to be reading along, but more than half the class had put down their books, staring at me in something like awe. yes.

oh, so much love.
here comes another week, my first complete week.
time to get back into routine again.
time to start working towards the end.
all things go.
i think i'll enjoy the trip.


peace all.

[you were meant for me]

i hear the clock
it's six am
i feel so far
from where i've been

-jewel


[teardrop in my eye]


WHAM.
BANG.
SLAP.
it all just hit me in this overwhelming rush of emotions.
i miss camp more than i can say.
there's a reason i don't poke around facebook and look at pictures.
why i did it today, i don't know.
all i know is now i'm overcome with this intense need for summer and all those wonderful people that make pendy home.
may and june cannot come soon enough.

come together, right now.

peace all.

[can't go back now]

you know there will be days
when you're so tired
you can't take another step


-the weepies


[gravity]



when i'm around groups of children, i'm onstage. but that doesn't stop my laughter or emotions from being extremely genuine. today during tutoring, i had three more children than usual, as one of the other interns was out. me, being the klutz that i am, proceeded to drop a magnetic letter from the board, go to sit down and knock over one of the baskets, and then sit down only to fall gracelessly to the floor. we all burst out into laughter. yep, children, gravity's still working today.
every child proceeded to try it and say the same thing.
god, sometimes kid's laughter is medicinal. definitely much needed during dark winter days when all you can do all day is think about sleep, yet when it comes time for bed you lie awake for hours, tossing and turning.
emo. slightly.
don't worry, already over it.


peace, all.

[10,000 stones]

10,000 stones are hanging
deep in my heart
no i don't know how they
don't tear me apart
how could i ever believe
10,000 stones would build
the best of me

-adrianne


[a long december]


i can't even handle the torrent of emotions thrust upon me today.
day one of my new classroom: i spent only a half day with them, and i've already learned all of their names, and have even managed to fall in love with several tiny, overwhelmingly ADHD, cuttingly insightful children. we got to talk about the causes of electricity and world war two. "so you're telling me we won world war two by cheating?!" direct quote. there's also a third grader reading the twilight series. THEY READ! WILLINGLY! score. i'm in LOVE. this will be a semester to remember, to be sure.
this afternoon found me back in the resource room with each and every one of my babies, scarfing down cheesy bread and watching august rush. they bombarded me with hugs and unconditional love and gifts, among them a beautiful norwegian fur tree (they wanted to give me something that would give back to the environment!) with handmade decorations and a gorgeous compilation of handwritten farewell letters and pictures of my shenanigans with the kids in the classroom. bawling. i can't even describe how overwhelmed i was. obviously, not overwhelmed enough to pass up a photoshoot with my babies, but still, absolutely floored. they've had this one in the works for a while, from the looks of it. so impressed.
what i'm trying to say, in short, is that i feel loved. and i love them right back.
joy.
now the night finds me indulging in an NCIS marathon next to balloons, various teaching ornaments of the A+ variety, and a half eaten sheetcake which once bore the words "We Will Miss You, Miss Jam Nik". apparently my first name is now jam. sounds good to me.

peace all.

[angel from montgomery]

if dreams were lightning and thunder was desire
this old house would have burned down long ago


-john prine with bonnie raitt


[live your life]


one thing i love about sundays: they are mine. mine to do as i choose, to spend or waste according to my whim. i have an uncanny ability to shut out the world on sundays (something that awes my friends and incites disbelief). i slept for a fabulous twelve hours, ignoring the rain and lolling about in my sheets, comfortably cocooned. though my sleep was not necessarily comfortable, nor has it been for quite a while.
ever since i have been on break, i have been plagued by nightmares about my coming placement with the third and fourth graders. don't get me wrong, i'm so excited to be with them in the general education setting. the man i'll be working with is a full blown science NERD who takes his kids to outdoor ed every may, and some of my favorite students from the resource room will be my students yet again. i'll have the privilege of teaching all day long, with a set schedule, no one coming or going. the only thing i'll have to work my lessons around are specials, and those happen at the same time every week. wow. this sounds like a cakewalk, right?
one would think.
yet still, while i sleep, doubt invades my dreams. desks are taller than i am, students are running amuck without listening, i am in the wrong classroom without my teaching bag or my phone, and i have no idea what is on the schedule.
that's not all. past failed relationships, bad haircuts, and an inability to photograph the most beautiful things i've ever seen all swim inside my head, feeding on my doubts and fears.
guess the next thing to do is prove all of these doubts wrong, and go take the day and make it mine.

musings:

this year should prove eventful, given all my goals for the next 365 days.

-run a half marathon in may
-learn how to butterfly
-move out west at the end of summer
-live independently
-teach in my own classroom
-establish myself as a photographer
-buy a kayak

here's to making it happen.

peace all.

[holiday in spain]

oh well, happy new year's baby
we can probably fix it if we clean it up all day


-counting crows


[alice in wonderland]


this new year's eve found me a bit like alice, down the rabbit hole in a little place called the porches with a host resembling the march hare. true to form, the plot was magical, with strange characters, stranger substances, and general chaos reigning the night.

or maybe it was more like dorothy in the wizard of oz, though i doubt very much that dorothy ever rode the bus, subject to bawdy cheers from passers-by. nor was she ever involved in inadvertent destruction of property, nor dancing with reckless abandon, nor standing on a windy platform, waiting for the el with silver disco ball shoes in hand, nor hailing a taxi in tights at five a.m., extravagantly over-tipping upon arrival.

maybe my new year's eve experience wasn't like any of those girls, but instead maybe it was celebrated true to form, in only the way i can. with fresh food, wonderful people, crazy antics, a windy city, and most importantly, with so much love.

here's to a fabulous new year.

peace all.