[true affection]

your depths made a pressure that punctured my works
and all your fluids couldn't tolerate the force of my thirst
i love the place where we shared our tiny grace
but just because it's real don't mean it's gonna work


-the blow


[ray-ban glasses]


after an insane week of running around, finishing my portfolio, printing copies of my resume, making a packing list, making a dozen playlists, actually packing my bags, writing final lesson plans, making a sign for my students, putting up bulletin boards, re-packing my bags (compulsive), charging my everything, sitting through eight hours of conferences, talking on the phone to dear friends, emailing my paranoid mother, visiting the atm a dozen times, teaching literacy under the sea, and reflecting on my unit, the time has finally come.
i've packed so much into the past (almost three) days, it's hard to believe this is real.


california, here i come.


keep your fingers crossed.
hopefully when i pack my bags to come home, i'm packing some job offers as well.



love all.

[her morning elegance]

soon she's down the stairs
her morning elegance she wears
the sound of water makes her dream
awoken by a cloud of steam
she pours a daydream in a cup
a spoon of sugars sweetens up


-oren lavie


[les artistes]


lovely, slow morning.
woke up on a couch, drowsied with a friend for an hour.
walked out alone into the mist, headed for home to the sounds of santogold, oren lavie, and the pat mcgee band playing on my trusty ipod.
detoured at a bagel shop down the street, ran into the church crowd that spilled out the door.
received a phone call from a far-away friend while i was waiting for my breakfast, he walked me home amidst traffic wooshes and beeps.
sipped on a smoothie, conversed about future plans, friends moving across the country, the ridiculous trend of marrying early, picking our bridesmaids and groomsmen, and the seductive powers of rock band.
he's coming in a week and a half. i can't wait to see him.
that conversation was the perfect way to ease into this day.


love.

[jesus christ]

jesus christ that's a pretty face
the kind you'd find on someone i could save


-brand new


[high and dry]



it's funny how i've always said i'm not ready for a real, long term relationship, i'm too busy, blah blah blah, but now at the end of all things i finally feel like i'm ready for one.

maybe i'm just reaching out for security during a time that is about to become very unstable.

go figure.

[machinehead]

i spin on a whim
slide to the right
i felt you like electric light


-bush


[grey sky eyes]



to describe the past five days:

mostly surreal.


it's hard to believe this is all coming to an end.

[jesus, etc]

jesus don't cry
you can rely on me honey
you can come by
any time you want


-wilco


[in your head]



this beautiful spring day finds me at a loss for words.
my heart is full, while my head is still stuck in last night.
so many things came together, the tying of loose ends.
i can't possibly articulate it.

do you ever have that sensation, when you're wrapped up in someone's arms, that you know you are exactly where you are meant to be?

that was a long time coming.

[naked]

you're naked inside your fears
can't take back all those years


-goo goo dolls



[big things, little things]


it's always the little things that come up big on bad days.

i imploded last night. just a hot mess, to be sure. even the parents were involved.
everything blew up, so i caved right in.
took a personal day today (which is a BIG deal. i don't miss teaching. ever.) in order to get myself caught up, slaving over my portfolio, assignments, applications, unit plans, etc.
then who walks in my door after she gets out of work?
my roommate, carrying a shamrock shake (a.k.a. sunshine in a cup) for me!
best roommate ever :)

so here's to the little things, and the happiness they bring.
and here's to the people that care, and show it through little things.

[sunken-eyed girl]

sunken-eyed girl on the ludlow street
junkieland once but they swept it up so
sing in my mind singing you're so sweet
i need a bundle of dope just to numb it out


-mike doughty



[great expectations]


best comment/compliment i've ever heard:
a couple of friends and i went out to dinner the other day. over quesadillas, brent asked me why i had chosen to become a vegetarian. i explained my reasons, which really aren't all that deep or political, and he in turned questioned how i had made that decision so young, when "everybody else waits until at least high school".
i told him simply, "i'm not everybody else."
his response was to say, "of course you're not everybody else. you're exactly who you're supposed to be, which is why i want to know why you made that choice."
i'm pretty sure i didn't stop grinning while i gave my answer. that was by far the best response i've ever gotten. i despise when people tell me, "everybody else does ...." and my usual retort is just what i had said to brent. i'm not everybody else. usually people are at a loss for words with that one. i'm so glad brent got it.
we proceeded to have an in-depth discussion of brand new, which made me love him even more.
my weekend was spent hanging with the guys, just like freshman year. lots of laughs, dancing, and drinking.
good times, good people.
i needed that.

[homebird]

fly me high
on an angel's wing


-foy vance


[unanswerables]



why is it that when i do laundry, there's always that one infernal sock that seems to have lost it's partner? where does that dang sock go? one of these days i'm going to get in the dryer with my socks to see what portal they fall through...

why is it that when the snows melt, the rains falls, and the temperatures rise my head goes out the window? i'm in a total and utter state of non-motivation. slackerhood. i'm never going to get a teaching job, at this rate.

why is it that when i lose an hour, i still choose to disregard all the work i need to accomplish and instead spend my time wandering aimlessly around my empty house? everyone's gone for spring break, why do i still feel like someone's going to come home any minute?


one of these days....

[snails]

snails see the benefits
the beauty in every inch


-the format


[heavier things]

i'm going to go ahead and step out on a limb.
whoever said that we die alone was wrong. maybe not entirely, in that the physical act of dying is one that can only experienced by that person. but no one is ever truly alone.
from the very instant of our conception, we are not alone. we are nourished in the womb by our mother, then, once born, we rely on our parents and family members to care for us until we are fully capable of caring for ourselves (that point in time remains to be defined).
we then spend our days occupied in two ways. the first of these is our main task, the force that drives our existence. we spend our time making connections. day to day, we are surrounded by people. around 7 billion of them, if you really stop and think about it. some of those people we will never meet, some of those people will pass near us, and some of them will, in a sense, pass through us. we connect with others, and in that connection a part of them is left in us. some we relate to more than others, and thus in their absence, a larger part is left. a wise man once said "i am a part of all i have met." i believe that the converse is also true: we are the sum of all we have met. in this way, we are infinite and others are infinite through us.
the question remains. why do we spend so much time trying to connect with people? humans are a social animal, we thrive on our relationships and ultimately cannot function without them. there is the occasional aberration, the hermits that live on the outskirts of society, unable or unwilling to function surrounded by humans. but by doing this, they defy an integral part of their nature. we talk, we socialize, because we are not complete people. each of us is comprised of different qualities, different natures. yet it is only through others that we not only come to know ourselves, but also how we become complete. like the chinese yin yang, we each have within us a given amount of light and dark, positive and negative, and it is in our connections, our real relationships that give us a balance.
it is also through others that we come to know ourselves. this brings me to the second, and ultimately most important occupation. we come to understand ourselves. a philosopher decreed, "know thyself." this is, indeed, our most consuming task, for people on the surface seem to never remain quite the same. yes, people change. but the nature of a person, that integral part of someone, does not alter. it is only unearthed or added upon, in a sense. and we do this by making those important connections with people. this also explains why some people do not remain in our lives. we find at times that it may be impossible to continue a friendship, or people drift away. the balance that they once provided is gone, because in their presence they have provided a new understanding of yourself - adding on or unearthing a part of your true nature. and this part may not always be compatible with the other person. so, a split. but that does not mean that they've left your life forever. just the opposite, in fact. they are integrally a part of you, having shaped your identity in a deeper way.
yet no one truly knows the same person. we are all comprised of different defining qualities, and we respond differently to other people. the person that knows me as a loudmouthed waterfront director would not know me in the same way as the person who knows me as an older sister, who in turn would not know me as an energetic fourth grade teacher. is it possible for one person to know someone entirely? recognize all of their faces, their masks, their facets? this is someone that people, whether knowingly or unknowingly, spend their lives seeking.
and so we go through life, searching out those people that help best define us, help us find who we truly are. the catholics believe that there is one person, one ultimate match that completes everyone. call it a soulmate, life partner, husband, wife, whatever. it is a common belief that somewhere out there, everyone has someone that will bring them balance. though once you find that person, what kind of a union you enter into is dependent upon what religion or spirituality you uphold.
despite the existence of that balancing person, those people that complete you, those people that pass through you, you will ultimately die, and that will be your choice. you may not choose to get cancer, you may not choose to have parkinsons, but that moment of death is you, letting go of your own life force. it is not always a conscious decision, but it is still your very own. some choose to take it more violently than others. suicide is a brutal denial of that balance, a person thrown so out of sync with universe that they feel they have no control. their only sense of power, their way of knowing themselves is to take their own life. what pushes a person to that extreme, i cannot say. but death, the ultimate knowing of yourself, is your own final decision.
and so it is, that when we die, it is like a rock thrown into a still lake at dawn. the ripples fan out in ever growing concentric circles, and each molecule of water is in some way affected. that lake then would be the people that you have met and affected throughout your life. in that moment, you are at once both physically alone and occupied by every soul that has passed through you. and the parts of you that you have left behind in others, they continue on forever.