[black balloon]

i saw the world spin beneath you
and it scattered like ice from the spoon


-goo goo dolls


[absolutely normal chaos]


houston, we have achieved something like normalcy today!
corny, i know, but when you're all up in the beginning of the schoolyear, things are an absolute show, and doubly so if you're in special ed.
i got my kids for BOTH writing and math today for the first time, yay!
had a great talk with my principal, we're on the same page and making changes to my schedule (go figure, something new!) that will allow me to better help my students, double yay!

outside of school...yes, i sort of have a life outside of the purple building....i got to talk to an old friend who really reminded me of all the things i love to do and had planned on doing once i got out here and got settled. it's strange to think that it's possible to forget the things you actually want to do, but in the chaos of figuring out everything i had to do, my own personal interests got shoved aside.

here's the (ever-growing) list.

1.learn the cello
2. join an orchestra
3. learn to snowboard
4. join a photographer's association
5. hiking/camping (club, maybe?)
6. take up yoga/spinning at the Y (Spo, i'm going to make you proud ;)

so i whipped out my flute and blew away the dust tonight after that inspirational phone call. MAN it felt good to pick it up and make music once more. i had forgotten what a simple pleasure that was. looking over my sheet music i realized - i used to be good. i hope to be so once more.
what i'm trying to say is twofold: one - thanks Will, it's always wonderful to talk with you, and two - i'm super excited about what the future will bring.
i've already started on it.
here's to checking off that list of loving life.


here, in this hour, it is just me, a cup of tea, the goo goo dolls, and ayn rand's "atlas shrugged."
round two, here i come.

cheers.

[electric feel]

with voltage running through her skin
standing there with nothing on
she's gonna teach me how to swim


-mgmt


[sweet disposition]


two absolutely crucial, very important things:

1. go see (500) days of summer.
absolutely beyond phenomenal.

2. next time i try to leave, just hold me.
don't let me go.


so many times i think i've made up my mind, that i feel like what i'm doing is for the best, it's exactly what i want to be doing.
i've been told by some very wise people to "go with my gut" so to speak. to trust my feelings.
what happens when you realize that making yourself happy also affects others? what happens when you realize that making yourself happy isn't always the easiest decision?

have no regrets.
take it for what it is.
love the hell out of it.
learn from it.


believe me when i say these aren't always the easiest things to do.
so it goes.



i'll teach you how to swim as soon as i figure out how.

[private radio]

catch me, not care
can't call me later
morning's rising


-vanessa carlton


[gravity]


this is a morning for indulgences (i can't help but think of the fridge in chuck's basement when i use that word...). toast with honey, and raspberry tea listening to the crooning of sara, vanessa, kt, and nora. a lovely, luxuriously lazy morning writing to those i love, planning to use my day exactly how i want it to be used.
i think i'll wear a dress today :)

love.

[let me be it]

let me be your tidal wave
that flows around you like a million
drops of summer rain
that flows around you like a million
tears


-the flaming lips


[let me be your rain]


there's no water here.
it rains (if the brief misting even qualifies) for approximately five minutes, then everything miraculously dries and the sun comes out again.
for whatever reason, in moving to the mountains i forgot i was leaving lakes behind me.
i didn't realize i'd miss them so much, too.
my research shows a two hour drive in order to find the nearest lake.

i smell a field trip in the very near future....



let me hold up the sky while you try.


i guess what i'm trying to say is that when you move away, you suddenly become aware of all the little things, the small strings that still tug at your heart. not all at once, but you feel the pull from all sides, places you didn't necessarily expect.
coming from a person who is typically found in the role of holding up the sky, it's a little bit of a role reversal, being the person to try.
i guess what i'm trying to say is that this isn't easy. at all.
but it DOES mean that i'm so lucky, to have so much love in my life to miss.
and i can only hope that in this year i can make Colorado a place to miss as well.

goodnight, and goodluck.

[who's to say]

stand up straight
do your trick
turn on the stars


-vanessa carlton


[high heels and cardigans]


and so starts the school year, in a whirlwind of madness.
the district begins with a marathon three days of testing, which includes a crazy rotational period during the day.
swept up in it all, it felt so flipping good to be back in the swing of things.
actually, it felt remarkably like a Sunday at camp (what a comfortable feeling!). i read the rules for the cafeteria and then took the small children (seriously, small...i had first and second graders!) outside to play. in that sense, things were wonderfully right at home. now little critters are walking around the building waving at me, and i feel like i belong.
it's such a comforting feeling, to have students in the school. life is starting, the wheel is beginning to turn, and everything is coming into focus.

so rock me momma...

i can only put my everything into this.
i can only hope that my everything is enough to make a difference.
i can only hope that my students leave me as empowered individuals, using their remarkable potential and capability to reach the stars.

there's so much inbetween now and then, and i can't wait to get in the water and swim, to revel in the glorious madness that is teaching.


peace.

[city]

here in these deep city lights
a girl could get lost tonight


-sara bareilles



[reasons why]


students come tomorrow!!!!!
i'll be meeting my 16 fourth and fifth graders, then promptly testing their brains out for three days. makes sense?
not quite.
i don't know how i feel about this district anymore.
i love how small, how family-like the atmosphere seems to be.
i don't quite love how assessment driven and program adherent they are.
what if you have a poor program? you're still stuck with it.
maybe i'm just fighting the man because i feel my creativity in my profession is being squashed. i'll have to learn to work with what i've got and make the best of it.
still, i can't quite shake the feeling of unease, especially every time i go to talk to one of the teachers. she's never really very happy to see me....
i'm new.
i know it.
i've got a LOT to prove.
i know i can do it.
but a little faith on everyone else's part would be much appreciated.

::deep breath::

here i go.

[dance anthem of the 80's]

an addiction to hands and feet
there's a meat market down the street
the boys and girls watch each other eat
when they really just wanna watch each other sleep

-regina spektor


[laws of attraction]



could someone explain to me why we fall?
what is it that drives the forces between people?
is it all just our chemical composition? the way it mingles with theirs?
does it really just boil down to atoms and molecules?
and if so, how is it such a powerful force?

and tell me, if such things are so biological, then how and why is the conscience involved?
is that what makes us so intrinsically human?
the ability to reason? to feel compassion? to love?
lust is biological, primal. the cerebral cortex takes over in order to procure the survival of the species.
love is...is something else entirely.
love does not ensure the survival of a species.
love does require rational thought, the ability to experience complex emotions. truthfully, though, i'm not sure how much of love is truly rational. maybe a better way to phrase that concept would be to say that love requires a being that is capable of rational thought, because of the other functions and processes that occur in tandem with a highly developed brain.
yet often, when in love, or the process of falling, we often act so irrationally.
so much of love is absolutely counter-intuitive.

we fall for people already in a committed relationship.
we fall for people that we know will break our hearts.
we fall for people that are completely incompatible.

but really, what is falling?

and why is it so essential to our being?
one could argue that love is necessary to the survival of our species. could anyone truly live without love?
is it possible to control how we feel about another person?
and, if so, then how is it possible to untangle the nasty mess of love, lust, compassion, attraction, and every other emotion that sinuously weaves itself into the convoluted tapestry of human existence in order to experience something pure?

why is it so integrally important, so essential to be touched, appreciated, desired, needed, connected, understood, intertwined with another human? more importantly, not just any human. one that we, in turn, find desirable, attractive, lovable, and the other myriad qualities that each individual deems necessary. a person that fulfills an invisible (biological?) list of mandatory prerequisites.



why, damn it all, do we fall?



an addiction to hands and feet, indeed.

[eet]

it's like forgetting the words
to your favorite song
you can't believe it
you were always singing along


-regina spektor


[one more time, with feeling]


here we go again.

one messy modular classroom.
three fourth graders.
thirteen fifth graders.
sixteen IEPS.
heaps and tons of learning and fun.

back to school, indeed.

dupont is like a whole new world. the schedules are all blocked out with labels like ELA, CORE, Supplementary, and Intervention. the first three days are assessments using DIBELS, DRA, and all kinds of other acronyms that soon will become extremely familiar to me.

bring it on.

::back to school jitters to come soon::

[blue lips]

the pictures in his mind arose
and began to breathe
and all the gods and all the worlds
began colliding on a backdrop of blue


-regina spektor

[halo]


when i came to colorado, i liked to imagine people could look at me and instantly know i was a camp counselor.
in my head i thought, how do you know i'm a camp counselor?
is it the giant bags under my eyes?
is it the aviators perched atop my head?
is it the deep perma-speedo tan?
is it the tie-dyed v-neck t-shirt?
it is the leather and beads around my neck?
is it the sun-bleached hair?
is it the dirt under my nails and between my toes?
or is it the happiness scrawled all over my tired face that gave it away?

now that i've been in training all week, i've imagined people passing in cars and their thoughts on my profession.
excuse me sir, how is it that you know i'm a teacher?
is it the high, stiletto heels?
is it the dress pants and buttoned shirt on a 95 degree day?
is it the lanyard around my neck with a dangling badge?
is it the authoritative, straight-backed way i carry myself?
is it the blue and white tote bag stuffed to the brim?
is it the clean brown hair, pulled into a bun?
or is it the happiness scrawled all over my tired face that gave it away?


either way you look at it, i'm meant to be exactly where i am.
love.

[evening on the ground (lilith's song)]

we were born to fuck each other
one way or another
but i'll only lie
down by the waterside at night


-iron and wine


[more adventurous]

things are looking up.

*wore a cute new dress to school (tee hee)
*received compliments on my aura and positive energy (yes, i'm definitely in colorado...they complimented my aura)
*talked to many new people, and even made plans to go rock climbing (putting that harness to use!)
*got my password to work so i'm legitimately in the school system (technological victory :)
*read a random text message today during a session from a friend back home
*worked on my apartment so much so that it's about 95% complete
*made a giant list of things "to do" and need "to buy"
*crossed off quite a few things on my "to do" list (so satisfying)

i don't know why i always bounce back, but i'm sure glad i do.
i don't know if i'm ready to commit to this place for a long time, but i'm glad i'm here now.

full moon tonight, do you feel a little crazy?

[bridges]

the furrowed bed of sand worries again
as it had before, waves left the land


-dispatch


[letting go of the anchor]


...you were holding me like someone broken....


could that line more perfectly describe closing campfire?
i think not.


::sigh::

i love love love it here.
but camp creeps up on me in those quiet moments.
perhaps this is why i understand homesick campers so well.


goodnight darlings.

[baby blue]

confess,
your kiss still
knocks me off my legs


-dave matthews band


[to this you can attest]


mmm. leftover thai and a glass of red wine, mellowed to the sounds of dave.
you know how i know life is good?
i watched the sun set blood red into the smokey grey mountains while cruising down the freeway, windows down and music up.
it really is the little things.
lori called me today, and i was in no place to answer the phone. later, while listening to her voicemail in line for the buffet, i nearly sobbed. i love everyone at camp so intensely, it's hard to be away.
but mountains and thai are quite the compensation.
we got digital cameras today, and, even better, were allowed to play with them for an assignment. the opening speaker talked about how we are a small district in which everyone is considered family.
i think i'm in the right place :)

peace.