[girl right next to me]

you changed my face
i think i like it better now

-goo goo dolls


[another word for love]


favorites:

three a.m. phone call from chuck. i had the distinct pleasure of walking him home (two miles!) in the blistering wind through a deserted oak park. so many of the reasons why i love him were represented in that conversation. life lesson: finding out how things are good is essential to success. *(definition of success to be defined in future entry)

homemade omelette from dad this morning. no one makes them as well as he does. period.

pictionary with my family and some close family friends. picture this: graying, nearly sixty, nearly senile old man standing on his chair, fist in the air, shouting, "Mars! It's Mars!" dying. really. at one point i was yelling "ground slide! ground slide!" i'm glad brian was there to translate that to "landslide". (fyi: in this epic game, kids versus adults, the kids definitely kicked butt.) the recipe for tonight's festivities: mix warm food, red wine, loud games, good friends, and my crazy family, and you have one chaotic evening. i laughed so hard i nearly cried. i remember looking around the dinner table at everyone, and i realized that this was another word for love. no, not the word, but the essence of a kind of love that i am so lucky, so privileged to have in my life.

watching ncis with scott. i'm so glad i get to be home and spend quality time with my brother. that's not something that will be happening very often in the future, so i'm cherishing it now.



word of the day (that's completely unrelated to anything): irascible


so with warm fuzzies i bound off to bed. good night, and good luck, all.


peace.

[spinning]

i can't remember when the earth turned slowly
so i just waited with the lights turned out again
i've lost my place but i can't stop this story
i've found my way but until then
i'm only spinning


-jack's mannequin


[the world spins madly on]


so tonight i went out to dinner with the marian crew, and we celebrated our reunion as only marian girls do: with style. we went to the melting pot (YUM!), sharing our meals, our stories, our continued affection. honestly, there is no space between with us. even though it's been a year or longer since i've seen these girls, we picked up like we had seen each other yesterday.
but clearly, time has passed.
every one of my high school friends is in a long term relationship, one of whom is to be married early in august. several of them are on the east coast, philadelphia, boston, new york, and one is even in stockholm getting her phd. they have big girl jobs as nurses, consultants, forensic analysts, and marketers. it's crazy how none of them have changed, yet their lives have changed radically, in some cases.
and for once, i'm behind the curve.
not that it bothers me. i make my own choices, and they are taking me exactly where i go at the pace i want to go. and i knew that my friends were off doing these things, getting real jobs, getting engaged, having real relationships. but never did i ever feel so pronouncedly different, so behind the game as i did sitting in the restaurant this evening. not awkward, not demeaned, just behind. not a position i'm used to being in. and while i absolutely do not want to be engaged, i DO want to be elsewhere. i want to be on the west coast, i want desperately to be teaching in an urban school district, and something inside me (buried way deep down) really does want to be in a serious relationship.
it's no secret that i'm terrible at commitment, nor do i really have a lengthy history of dating people (greater than one, less than three...hmm). so naturally i'm a little concerned about my ability to find someone that i want to be with for the rest of my life. just a little concerned, though. i'm not in any rush to get to that point in my life. there's still alot out there left to be experienced, and that includes meeting people, having significant relationships, traveling, working, really living freely.
all in all, it was fabulous seeing my marian girls again. i love them all dearly, and i'm so glad they could all make it back to michigan. here's to many more meetings, including kathleen's wedding and our five year reunion :)
all in all, life is good.

peace all.

[41]

all at once the ghosts come back
reeling in you now oh tell me
what if they came down crushing
it used to be
that you and me
play for all the loneliness
that nobody notices now
i'm begging slow 'cause i'm coming here
i wanted to play
i wanted to stay
i wanted to love you

-dave matthews band

[california heartbreak]

....some days you just don't win. today would be one of those days.
little things stood out like prickers, and i got pricked one too many times.
everything's going on while simultaneously seeming like nothing's going on at all.

::stressed::

miscommunication with lori about attending winter camp and consequent miscommunication with a friend in which i acted outrageously out of line. i apologize again.

miscommunication/no communication with a teacher resulting in inconveniences to both the teacher and the students involved. once again, i'm apologizing.

subbing for my CT the past few days - while it's gone famously, i think it's starting to take it's toll. it's not easy to run someone else's classroom. i give subs all the credit in the world.

finances. obviously money's an issue when you're paying a school to let you teach and they won't let you have a job.

missing something that was once so great and now is gone. not something i had control over, but something that was vital and now is not the same kind of relationship.

friends that are far away or have fallen out of touch. i worry that it's my fault and that we won't ever be friends again (see: white houses by vanessa carlton). i'm sorry for everything.

finding a place to live out west/getting a job in california. it' s my ultimate dream goal, but it's also one of the scariest things i've ever done. it means leaving everything i've built here, everything i love.

following along that line: last times at pendy. this will be my last OE/summer camp. i'm terrified to leave after this coming summer, yet i know it's time and it's the right thing to do.

sleeping in this house alone. everyone's gone. i'm starting to realize i'm a complete chicken and hate being by myself.

being so sick for so long. i've been sick for over a week now, and it' s the longest i've been sick in forever. and i haven't been able to run. not okay. my brain does not function right when i don't run.

leaving my classroom in two days. i'm scared to leave and go into another classroom. i know i'll love the kids just as much, and my kids that i'm leaving will love the new intern just as much and everything will be wonderful, but making their presents today i just broke down. i hate saying goodbye more than anyone will know. and i'm terrible at it.

it's that time of year again when it starts to kick in that i'm single and i hate it. while i know i could never have a relationship right now and make it functional, there's that part deep inside of me that begins to well up with a familiar emptiness. and it kind of makes me wonder, what's wrong with me? (not something i can answer right now.)

i guess all this rambling could be summed up with a feeling of general loneliness and need for love. while i know that i am surrounded by love right now with my friends here at state, the kids i teach, the interns i teach with, my family, my friends in other parts of the states, and even my high school friends (whom i'll be seeing very soon!), but it just doesn't feel like enough right now.

everything seems very remote and cold.

so it goes.
tomorrow is another day.
and i'll find my own way out.


peace all.

[wagon wheel]

so rock me momma like the wind and the rain
rock me momma like a south-bound train
hey momma rock me

-old crow medicine show


[on a snowy night]


went out to La's with the interns for some quesadillas.
we may or may not have sat there for hours, just chatting about anything and everything.
the more i am with those girls, the more i am so unbelievably thankful that i ended up at this school, with these people, doing exactly this.
i wasn't supposed to be there at all - i had been scheduled to teach at a middle school down the street from where i now live, but at the last minute i changed my mind and begged for a different placement. i was given a choice, and i'm so glad i picked this school.
truly, i believe that one of the reasons i have stayed so sane, and so happy with my life here is because of these girls. i love each of them for different reasons, and i know that after our commencements in may we will remain close friends.
.:happy sigh:.
it's been a great night.
here's to another great day.


peace all.

[the boxer]

asking only workman's wages
i've come looking for a job
but i get no offers
just a comeon from the whores
on seventh avenue

-simon and garfunkel



[the sounds of silence]

everyone's left for their respective homes, and now i'm alone in an empty house.
alone, with all my irrational fears of burglars and the unknown things creeping in dark corners. thank you, stephen king. forcing me to watch IT was the worst decision my friends have ever made.
truly, it's unnerving how quiet this place is.
i don't enjoy it.


so now i'm guzzling theraflu, finishing up some final lesson plans, and hitting the sack.


peace all.

[silent all these years]

i got the anti-christ in the kitchen
yellin' at me again
yeah i hear that


-tori amos

[in this way we are wise]


DONE!
DONE!
DONE!
DONE!
DONE!

...well, done with one semester, anyway. i've still got one more left, my final semester ever in college. three months of teaching and classes and i'll be certified and ready to go out into the world.

yeah. it feels good.

last night my fellow interns and i hit the town and celebrated in a way we haven't been able to all year. at the bar, of course :) we spent the night laughing at doitability, the woodcock-johnson (legit, this is the title of an assessment battery i have had to administer to my students - it's the most unfortunate union of names i have ever heard), and all the ridiculous things our students have said. it was a joyful gust of releashed tensions, pent up aggressions, and venting sessions. what a euphoric noise. and what a way to go out, with bells on our toes.

this past week i had the distinct pleasure of eating coldstone creamery with Beth, Craig, Scott, and Kendra. we laughed, nearly choking on our over-priced yet still delicious ice cream, doubling over about ridiculous things. in the midst of it all, my roommate called, wondering if i was still alive (i realized i neglected to tell them i wouldn't be at school for two days....it felt good to know that they care). talking the night away with such good people, celebrating what it means to truly be alive. that night will stay with me for a long time to come.

this week has been one in which i fell off the normal bus and into some kind of alice in wonderland hole. everything has been upside down, and centers around my trip home for two days for a class in restorative justice. i took this class for two days in downtown wayne, and am now certified to facilitate restorative justice conferences. these sessions involve bringing the community together to repair the damage done in criminal situations. the teaching sessions involved a lot of role play, and yours truly took the award for best actress :) i think it had something to do with my crying on command for one of the characters i played. in attending, i was able to network with several teachers and principals from the novi and hamtramack areas, an invaluable experience that will hopefully serve me in the future when i am searching for jobs. the facilitator also commented on how he appreciated my presence at this session, it's not often that he gets people that are so willing to get out of their comfort zone and engage in the process of restorative justice.

yeah, i hear that.
and it feels good.

because not too many years ago, i would have been the shy girl in the corner that did exactly what she was supposed to, nothing more, nothing less. truly, i have to attribute my now "out there" personality (a term bestowed upon me this year by my extremely eccentric math professor) to camp. if not for camp, the people there, and the situations i have been put in, i would not be the person i am today. i am a part of all i have met, and i am infinitely glad and grateful to have met such wonderful, inspirational human beings. you have no idea how much i love and respect you, and will carry a piece of you with me always. you will never be forgotten.

i am fortunate enough to be seeing many of these people tonight. so, in the spirit of the topsy turvy, slightly celebratory week, i am venturing out into the cold to grand valley, to dance the night away in nothing less than the ugliest sweater imaginable with some of my favorite people. it's so good to be alive.

here's to the night, and here's to living for the moment.
truly, in this way we are wise.


peace (to all, for all)

[straw dog]

staring into the intersection
she thinks that she can fly and she might
holding on in a new direction
she's gonna try it tonight

-starting line


a desperate plight:

stranded an hour away from home, stuck in a room talking to a gregarious teacher that just won't quit. luckily, i'm crafty. breaking away from the potentially awkward situation, i retreat to my only safe haven - the bathroom (cliche, i know). welcome to my favorite little surprise.

oh good.

zoom in on me begging, borrowing, and practically stealing for a quarter. putting it into the little machine, i turn the crank, and...nothing. so i do what any self-respecting girl would do in this situation.

rip the front of the machine off, reach in, and grab what is rightfully mine.
stop at the local corner store on my way home for some important unmentionables which i had been previously lacking.
gorge myself in a pint of Half Baked, made by every female's two favorite men (Ben and Jerry, duh.)
cry at the end of "Who's Wedding is it Anyway".

well, maybe not so self-respecting after all. but i'm very clearly a girl.
so it goes.
i'll be more prepared tomorrow. bring it on, restorative justice.


peace (to all, for all).

[you don't know me]

you could have just propped me up
on the table like a mannequin
or a cardboard stand-up and paint me
(paint me anything)
any face that you wanted me
to be seen


-ben folds (ft. regina spektor)



whew.
yep.
it's definitely been a monday.
it's time to put this day to rest and see if i can make tomorrow happen.



peace (to all, for all).

[white houses]

jenny screams out and it's no pose
'cause when she dances she goes and goes

-vanessa carlton


random assortment of things:

i went running today instead of swimming.
(big mistake).
life lesson #1,052: listen to your body. it knows.

i don't like to be disappointed.
(come on guys, pull through for me).

i'm strangely stressed about the next two weeks.
(minus the weekends).

playlists are the greatest gift in the world.
(i feel like i have an old friend back again).


daily musing:

this one's inspired by Jory today. your thoughts move me in ways i have not been for so long. thank you.

if you had to pick between a desert, a river, or a mountain to describe yourself, which one would you be?

my answer is always a river, for myriad reasons. i have always had a connection with water, it's where i grew up. my backyard was a lake, my playground the waves. it's where i feel most comfortable, most at home. Hopi is my favorite cabin because i can open the door in the morning and watch the mist roll over Big Blue Lake. i didn't have to be at polar bear swim every morning this past summer, but i was there because i wanted to be. the golden light that strikes the calm waters is indescribable, and quite possibly the greatest place to slowly come into conscious awareness of the world. blue, the color of water, is my favorite color. always has been, always will be. i know instinctively that wherever i will live, it will be on water. there's a desire in me, something indefinable yet integral to my being, a desire to move west. to be on the ocean. i would stop in chicago on lake michigan for a while, maybe play in lake tahoe to rest, but i know that i will be on the coast one day, very soon.

and all of this leads me to why i am a river.

i am always moving, flowing, with a direction in mind. slow at times, dabbling in the rocks and swirling in eddies, winding and curving or straight and quick, rushing past the landscapes. [just around the river bend is going through my head. pocahontas, anyone?] yet no matter how i move, i am always moving with a purpose. i am an extremely goal-oriented person. rivers see so many different places, traveling great lengths, crossing boundaries. water also has healing properties, nourishing the body, providing a cool relief - something i hope my presence accomplishes. i am a little brook, moving slowly but picking up speed, moving towards my ultimate destination: the ocean. there i will empty myself out into something so much bigger than myself, something calm and reflective yet bustling with life underneath the surface. there is so much to see, yet all encompassed in a great, blue peace.



this is all very poorly and inelegantly articulated, but i can't focus right now. my mind is a whirlwind of activity, trying to prepare myself for the chaos this week will bring. and i will move through it the only way i know how: by dancing.

i dance at the copy machine.
i dance waiting in line.
i dance in my room.

dancing at the gas pump tonight i had a thought. if my life were a dance, what would it look like? the way i think, the way i typically operate, is through music. my life can be described as a symphony, through a playlist, through music. what do other people think in terms of?

it's 11:11. make a wish.


peace (for all, to all).

[a sight to behold]

it's like finding hope
in an old folk song
that you've never heard before
still you know every word
and for sure you can sing along

-devendra banhart


jumping right into things:

a friend's post really got me thinking. she wrote about unbuntu, the Namibian philosophy that translates to "I am because you are". this appeared to be true to me in two ways.

"i am because you are" in so much that i am here because you are here, and we are one. we share a mutual thread of existence and an integral responsibility to put the other person first, to consider their welfare as just as important as our own, there, we must do everything to improve their welfare. in essence, to help. a thought i have cultivated in my own head which has become a not only a personal philosophy, but also a way of life.

[sidebar: the Japanese, when they bow to one another in greeting, are inherently saying "i bow to the god within you." what would the world be like if we treated each other with that much respect, keeping always at the forefront of our thoughts, that each person has within them a venerable deity, when dealing with them?]

"i am because you are" as two separate identities. "i am" as one unit, "you are" as another. "i am" will always remain mine, my own, something that needs to be nurtured, loved, a body engaged in the full act of living. "you are" as another separate entity, mutually exclusive of my own body, yet requiring the same basic needs. my question, what i have been struggling with forever, is how to strike a balance between the two?

essentially, it has been in my nature to strive to put the other person first, to help them attain everything good. but in that attempt, something integral to my existence, something of my own gets lost and i find it impossible to function. so i withdraw from people. put the pieces back together. then jump back into things. so the cycle goes, back and forth from one extreme to the other.

but i've reached an odd place in my life. i am inching more towards that midpoint, the golden mean. while i am currently in the process of attaining my own personal goals, i am also repairing those important contacts that i had severed in my most recent attempt to fall off the face of the earth and go into self-preservation mode. though, reparations have been slow. i am not wholeheartedly throwing myself back into the problems of others, but i am trying to be apart of their lives in small ways, all the while doing exactly what i need to be doing for myself each way. is this the way to balance things?

a scary realization: i forgot how to see the good and the beauty in things for a while. i had focused so much on myself that all i was aware of were my own faults and the faults of others. my photography suffered, my peace of mind suffered, my teaching suffered. now, through starting to put people first again (while still maintaining those important goals of mine), i have started once again to see good in all that surrounds me.

i am able to laugh at the fire drill that sends us all tromping into six inches of snow instead of despising the shrill interruption. i can remain calm in the midst of seventeen children raising their hands simultaneously, in desperate need of help with their spelling (ew.) i can run five miles after lead teaching a whole day of classes, tutoring, buying groceries, and battling traffic (and then grade papers, lesson plan, and do homework). i can swim a thousand meters in the midst of saggy old men in speedos and have the realization that i simply need to kick more to improve my flutter.

best of all, there is a peace within me that had gone.[definition: it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.] one of my favorite quotes, one of the truest things i have ever read, and one of my ultimate goals.

i have begun again to rejoice in the hands.
and this is truly a sight to behold.


peace (to all, for all).