[a sight to behold]

it's like finding hope
in an old folk song
that you've never heard before
still you know every word
and for sure you can sing along

-devendra banhart


jumping right into things:

a friend's post really got me thinking. she wrote about unbuntu, the Namibian philosophy that translates to "I am because you are". this appeared to be true to me in two ways.

"i am because you are" in so much that i am here because you are here, and we are one. we share a mutual thread of existence and an integral responsibility to put the other person first, to consider their welfare as just as important as our own, there, we must do everything to improve their welfare. in essence, to help. a thought i have cultivated in my own head which has become a not only a personal philosophy, but also a way of life.

[sidebar: the Japanese, when they bow to one another in greeting, are inherently saying "i bow to the god within you." what would the world be like if we treated each other with that much respect, keeping always at the forefront of our thoughts, that each person has within them a venerable deity, when dealing with them?]

"i am because you are" as two separate identities. "i am" as one unit, "you are" as another. "i am" will always remain mine, my own, something that needs to be nurtured, loved, a body engaged in the full act of living. "you are" as another separate entity, mutually exclusive of my own body, yet requiring the same basic needs. my question, what i have been struggling with forever, is how to strike a balance between the two?

essentially, it has been in my nature to strive to put the other person first, to help them attain everything good. but in that attempt, something integral to my existence, something of my own gets lost and i find it impossible to function. so i withdraw from people. put the pieces back together. then jump back into things. so the cycle goes, back and forth from one extreme to the other.

but i've reached an odd place in my life. i am inching more towards that midpoint, the golden mean. while i am currently in the process of attaining my own personal goals, i am also repairing those important contacts that i had severed in my most recent attempt to fall off the face of the earth and go into self-preservation mode. though, reparations have been slow. i am not wholeheartedly throwing myself back into the problems of others, but i am trying to be apart of their lives in small ways, all the while doing exactly what i need to be doing for myself each way. is this the way to balance things?

a scary realization: i forgot how to see the good and the beauty in things for a while. i had focused so much on myself that all i was aware of were my own faults and the faults of others. my photography suffered, my peace of mind suffered, my teaching suffered. now, through starting to put people first again (while still maintaining those important goals of mine), i have started once again to see good in all that surrounds me.

i am able to laugh at the fire drill that sends us all tromping into six inches of snow instead of despising the shrill interruption. i can remain calm in the midst of seventeen children raising their hands simultaneously, in desperate need of help with their spelling (ew.) i can run five miles after lead teaching a whole day of classes, tutoring, buying groceries, and battling traffic (and then grade papers, lesson plan, and do homework). i can swim a thousand meters in the midst of saggy old men in speedos and have the realization that i simply need to kick more to improve my flutter.

best of all, there is a peace within me that had gone.[definition: it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.] one of my favorite quotes, one of the truest things i have ever read, and one of my ultimate goals.

i have begun again to rejoice in the hands.
and this is truly a sight to behold.


peace (to all, for all).