[41]

all at once the ghosts come back
reeling in you now oh tell me
what if they came down crushing
it used to be
that you and me
play for all the loneliness
that nobody notices now
i'm begging slow 'cause i'm coming here
i wanted to play
i wanted to stay
i wanted to love you

-dave matthews band

[california heartbreak]

....some days you just don't win. today would be one of those days.
little things stood out like prickers, and i got pricked one too many times.
everything's going on while simultaneously seeming like nothing's going on at all.

::stressed::

miscommunication with lori about attending winter camp and consequent miscommunication with a friend in which i acted outrageously out of line. i apologize again.

miscommunication/no communication with a teacher resulting in inconveniences to both the teacher and the students involved. once again, i'm apologizing.

subbing for my CT the past few days - while it's gone famously, i think it's starting to take it's toll. it's not easy to run someone else's classroom. i give subs all the credit in the world.

finances. obviously money's an issue when you're paying a school to let you teach and they won't let you have a job.

missing something that was once so great and now is gone. not something i had control over, but something that was vital and now is not the same kind of relationship.

friends that are far away or have fallen out of touch. i worry that it's my fault and that we won't ever be friends again (see: white houses by vanessa carlton). i'm sorry for everything.

finding a place to live out west/getting a job in california. it' s my ultimate dream goal, but it's also one of the scariest things i've ever done. it means leaving everything i've built here, everything i love.

following along that line: last times at pendy. this will be my last OE/summer camp. i'm terrified to leave after this coming summer, yet i know it's time and it's the right thing to do.

sleeping in this house alone. everyone's gone. i'm starting to realize i'm a complete chicken and hate being by myself.

being so sick for so long. i've been sick for over a week now, and it' s the longest i've been sick in forever. and i haven't been able to run. not okay. my brain does not function right when i don't run.

leaving my classroom in two days. i'm scared to leave and go into another classroom. i know i'll love the kids just as much, and my kids that i'm leaving will love the new intern just as much and everything will be wonderful, but making their presents today i just broke down. i hate saying goodbye more than anyone will know. and i'm terrible at it.

it's that time of year again when it starts to kick in that i'm single and i hate it. while i know i could never have a relationship right now and make it functional, there's that part deep inside of me that begins to well up with a familiar emptiness. and it kind of makes me wonder, what's wrong with me? (not something i can answer right now.)

i guess all this rambling could be summed up with a feeling of general loneliness and need for love. while i know that i am surrounded by love right now with my friends here at state, the kids i teach, the interns i teach with, my family, my friends in other parts of the states, and even my high school friends (whom i'll be seeing very soon!), but it just doesn't feel like enough right now.

everything seems very remote and cold.

so it goes.
tomorrow is another day.
and i'll find my own way out.


peace all.