[city]

here in these deep city lights
a girl could get lost tonight


-sara bareilles



[reasons why]


students come tomorrow!!!!!
i'll be meeting my 16 fourth and fifth graders, then promptly testing their brains out for three days. makes sense?
not quite.
i don't know how i feel about this district anymore.
i love how small, how family-like the atmosphere seems to be.
i don't quite love how assessment driven and program adherent they are.
what if you have a poor program? you're still stuck with it.
maybe i'm just fighting the man because i feel my creativity in my profession is being squashed. i'll have to learn to work with what i've got and make the best of it.
still, i can't quite shake the feeling of unease, especially every time i go to talk to one of the teachers. she's never really very happy to see me....
i'm new.
i know it.
i've got a LOT to prove.
i know i can do it.
but a little faith on everyone else's part would be much appreciated.

::deep breath::

here i go.

[dance anthem of the 80's]

an addiction to hands and feet
there's a meat market down the street
the boys and girls watch each other eat
when they really just wanna watch each other sleep

-regina spektor


[laws of attraction]



could someone explain to me why we fall?
what is it that drives the forces between people?
is it all just our chemical composition? the way it mingles with theirs?
does it really just boil down to atoms and molecules?
and if so, how is it such a powerful force?

and tell me, if such things are so biological, then how and why is the conscience involved?
is that what makes us so intrinsically human?
the ability to reason? to feel compassion? to love?
lust is biological, primal. the cerebral cortex takes over in order to procure the survival of the species.
love is...is something else entirely.
love does not ensure the survival of a species.
love does require rational thought, the ability to experience complex emotions. truthfully, though, i'm not sure how much of love is truly rational. maybe a better way to phrase that concept would be to say that love requires a being that is capable of rational thought, because of the other functions and processes that occur in tandem with a highly developed brain.
yet often, when in love, or the process of falling, we often act so irrationally.
so much of love is absolutely counter-intuitive.

we fall for people already in a committed relationship.
we fall for people that we know will break our hearts.
we fall for people that are completely incompatible.

but really, what is falling?

and why is it so essential to our being?
one could argue that love is necessary to the survival of our species. could anyone truly live without love?
is it possible to control how we feel about another person?
and, if so, then how is it possible to untangle the nasty mess of love, lust, compassion, attraction, and every other emotion that sinuously weaves itself into the convoluted tapestry of human existence in order to experience something pure?

why is it so integrally important, so essential to be touched, appreciated, desired, needed, connected, understood, intertwined with another human? more importantly, not just any human. one that we, in turn, find desirable, attractive, lovable, and the other myriad qualities that each individual deems necessary. a person that fulfills an invisible (biological?) list of mandatory prerequisites.



why, damn it all, do we fall?



an addiction to hands and feet, indeed.

[eet]

it's like forgetting the words
to your favorite song
you can't believe it
you were always singing along


-regina spektor


[one more time, with feeling]


here we go again.

one messy modular classroom.
three fourth graders.
thirteen fifth graders.
sixteen IEPS.
heaps and tons of learning and fun.

back to school, indeed.

dupont is like a whole new world. the schedules are all blocked out with labels like ELA, CORE, Supplementary, and Intervention. the first three days are assessments using DIBELS, DRA, and all kinds of other acronyms that soon will become extremely familiar to me.

bring it on.

::back to school jitters to come soon::

[blue lips]

the pictures in his mind arose
and began to breathe
and all the gods and all the worlds
began colliding on a backdrop of blue


-regina spektor

[halo]


when i came to colorado, i liked to imagine people could look at me and instantly know i was a camp counselor.
in my head i thought, how do you know i'm a camp counselor?
is it the giant bags under my eyes?
is it the aviators perched atop my head?
is it the deep perma-speedo tan?
is it the tie-dyed v-neck t-shirt?
it is the leather and beads around my neck?
is it the sun-bleached hair?
is it the dirt under my nails and between my toes?
or is it the happiness scrawled all over my tired face that gave it away?

now that i've been in training all week, i've imagined people passing in cars and their thoughts on my profession.
excuse me sir, how is it that you know i'm a teacher?
is it the high, stiletto heels?
is it the dress pants and buttoned shirt on a 95 degree day?
is it the lanyard around my neck with a dangling badge?
is it the authoritative, straight-backed way i carry myself?
is it the blue and white tote bag stuffed to the brim?
is it the clean brown hair, pulled into a bun?
or is it the happiness scrawled all over my tired face that gave it away?


either way you look at it, i'm meant to be exactly where i am.
love.

[evening on the ground (lilith's song)]

we were born to fuck each other
one way or another
but i'll only lie
down by the waterside at night


-iron and wine


[more adventurous]

things are looking up.

*wore a cute new dress to school (tee hee)
*received compliments on my aura and positive energy (yes, i'm definitely in colorado...they complimented my aura)
*talked to many new people, and even made plans to go rock climbing (putting that harness to use!)
*got my password to work so i'm legitimately in the school system (technological victory :)
*read a random text message today during a session from a friend back home
*worked on my apartment so much so that it's about 95% complete
*made a giant list of things "to do" and need "to buy"
*crossed off quite a few things on my "to do" list (so satisfying)

i don't know why i always bounce back, but i'm sure glad i do.
i don't know if i'm ready to commit to this place for a long time, but i'm glad i'm here now.

full moon tonight, do you feel a little crazy?

[bridges]

the furrowed bed of sand worries again
as it had before, waves left the land


-dispatch


[letting go of the anchor]


...you were holding me like someone broken....


could that line more perfectly describe closing campfire?
i think not.


::sigh::

i love love love it here.
but camp creeps up on me in those quiet moments.
perhaps this is why i understand homesick campers so well.


goodnight darlings.

[baby blue]

confess,
your kiss still
knocks me off my legs


-dave matthews band


[to this you can attest]


mmm. leftover thai and a glass of red wine, mellowed to the sounds of dave.
you know how i know life is good?
i watched the sun set blood red into the smokey grey mountains while cruising down the freeway, windows down and music up.
it really is the little things.
lori called me today, and i was in no place to answer the phone. later, while listening to her voicemail in line for the buffet, i nearly sobbed. i love everyone at camp so intensely, it's hard to be away.
but mountains and thai are quite the compensation.
we got digital cameras today, and, even better, were allowed to play with them for an assignment. the opening speaker talked about how we are a small district in which everyone is considered family.
i think i'm in the right place :)

peace.