you're naked inside your fears
can't take back all those years
-goo goo dolls
[big things, little things]
it's always the little things that come up big on bad days.
i imploded last night. just a hot mess, to be sure. even the parents were involved.
everything blew up, so i caved right in.
took a personal day today (which is a BIG deal. i don't miss teaching. ever.) in order to get myself caught up, slaving over my portfolio, assignments, applications, unit plans, etc.
then who walks in my door after she gets out of work?
my roommate, carrying a shamrock shake (a.k.a. sunshine in a cup) for me!
best roommate ever :)
so here's to the little things, and the happiness they bring.
and here's to the people that care, and show it through little things.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
[sunken-eyed girl]
sunken-eyed girl on the ludlow street
junkieland once but they swept it up so
sing in my mind singing you're so sweet
i need a bundle of dope just to numb it out
-mike doughty
[great expectations]
best comment/compliment i've ever heard:
a couple of friends and i went out to dinner the other day. over quesadillas, brent asked me why i had chosen to become a vegetarian. i explained my reasons, which really aren't all that deep or political, and he in turned questioned how i had made that decision so young, when "everybody else waits until at least high school".
i told him simply, "i'm not everybody else."
his response was to say, "of course you're not everybody else. you're exactly who you're supposed to be, which is why i want to know why you made that choice."
i'm pretty sure i didn't stop grinning while i gave my answer. that was by far the best response i've ever gotten. i despise when people tell me, "everybody else does ...." and my usual retort is just what i had said to brent. i'm not everybody else. usually people are at a loss for words with that one. i'm so glad brent got it.
we proceeded to have an in-depth discussion of brand new, which made me love him even more.
my weekend was spent hanging with the guys, just like freshman year. lots of laughs, dancing, and drinking.
good times, good people.
i needed that.
junkieland once but they swept it up so
sing in my mind singing you're so sweet
i need a bundle of dope just to numb it out
-mike doughty
[great expectations]
best comment/compliment i've ever heard:
a couple of friends and i went out to dinner the other day. over quesadillas, brent asked me why i had chosen to become a vegetarian. i explained my reasons, which really aren't all that deep or political, and he in turned questioned how i had made that decision so young, when "everybody else waits until at least high school".
i told him simply, "i'm not everybody else."
his response was to say, "of course you're not everybody else. you're exactly who you're supposed to be, which is why i want to know why you made that choice."
i'm pretty sure i didn't stop grinning while i gave my answer. that was by far the best response i've ever gotten. i despise when people tell me, "everybody else does ...." and my usual retort is just what i had said to brent. i'm not everybody else. usually people are at a loss for words with that one. i'm so glad brent got it.
we proceeded to have an in-depth discussion of brand new, which made me love him even more.
my weekend was spent hanging with the guys, just like freshman year. lots of laughs, dancing, and drinking.
good times, good people.
i needed that.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
[homebird]
fly me high
on an angel's wing
-foy vance
[unanswerables]
why is it that when i do laundry, there's always that one infernal sock that seems to have lost it's partner? where does that dang sock go? one of these days i'm going to get in the dryer with my socks to see what portal they fall through...
why is it that when the snows melt, the rains falls, and the temperatures rise my head goes out the window? i'm in a total and utter state of non-motivation. slackerhood. i'm never going to get a teaching job, at this rate.
why is it that when i lose an hour, i still choose to disregard all the work i need to accomplish and instead spend my time wandering aimlessly around my empty house? everyone's gone for spring break, why do i still feel like someone's going to come home any minute?
one of these days....
on an angel's wing
-foy vance
[unanswerables]
why is it that when i do laundry, there's always that one infernal sock that seems to have lost it's partner? where does that dang sock go? one of these days i'm going to get in the dryer with my socks to see what portal they fall through...
why is it that when the snows melt, the rains falls, and the temperatures rise my head goes out the window? i'm in a total and utter state of non-motivation. slackerhood. i'm never going to get a teaching job, at this rate.
why is it that when i lose an hour, i still choose to disregard all the work i need to accomplish and instead spend my time wandering aimlessly around my empty house? everyone's gone for spring break, why do i still feel like someone's going to come home any minute?
one of these days....
Friday, March 6, 2009
[snails]
snails see the benefits
the beauty in every inch
-the format
[heavier things]
i'm going to go ahead and step out on a limb.
whoever said that we die alone was wrong. maybe not entirely, in that the physical act of dying is one that can only experienced by that person. but no one is ever truly alone.
from the very instant of our conception, we are not alone. we are nourished in the womb by our mother, then, once born, we rely on our parents and family members to care for us until we are fully capable of caring for ourselves (that point in time remains to be defined).
we then spend our days occupied in two ways. the first of these is our main task, the force that drives our existence. we spend our time making connections. day to day, we are surrounded by people. around 7 billion of them, if you really stop and think about it. some of those people we will never meet, some of those people will pass near us, and some of them will, in a sense, pass through us. we connect with others, and in that connection a part of them is left in us. some we relate to more than others, and thus in their absence, a larger part is left. a wise man once said "i am a part of all i have met." i believe that the converse is also true: we are the sum of all we have met. in this way, we are infinite and others are infinite through us.
the question remains. why do we spend so much time trying to connect with people? humans are a social animal, we thrive on our relationships and ultimately cannot function without them. there is the occasional aberration, the hermits that live on the outskirts of society, unable or unwilling to function surrounded by humans. but by doing this, they defy an integral part of their nature. we talk, we socialize, because we are not complete people. each of us is comprised of different qualities, different natures. yet it is only through others that we not only come to know ourselves, but also how we become complete. like the chinese yin yang, we each have within us a given amount of light and dark, positive and negative, and it is in our connections, our real relationships that give us a balance.
it is also through others that we come to know ourselves. this brings me to the second, and ultimately most important occupation. we come to understand ourselves. a philosopher decreed, "know thyself." this is, indeed, our most consuming task, for people on the surface seem to never remain quite the same. yes, people change. but the nature of a person, that integral part of someone, does not alter. it is only unearthed or added upon, in a sense. and we do this by making those important connections with people. this also explains why some people do not remain in our lives. we find at times that it may be impossible to continue a friendship, or people drift away. the balance that they once provided is gone, because in their presence they have provided a new understanding of yourself - adding on or unearthing a part of your true nature. and this part may not always be compatible with the other person. so, a split. but that does not mean that they've left your life forever. just the opposite, in fact. they are integrally a part of you, having shaped your identity in a deeper way.
yet no one truly knows the same person. we are all comprised of different defining qualities, and we respond differently to other people. the person that knows me as a loudmouthed waterfront director would not know me in the same way as the person who knows me as an older sister, who in turn would not know me as an energetic fourth grade teacher. is it possible for one person to know someone entirely? recognize all of their faces, their masks, their facets? this is someone that people, whether knowingly or unknowingly, spend their lives seeking.
and so we go through life, searching out those people that help best define us, help us find who we truly are. the catholics believe that there is one person, one ultimate match that completes everyone. call it a soulmate, life partner, husband, wife, whatever. it is a common belief that somewhere out there, everyone has someone that will bring them balance. though once you find that person, what kind of a union you enter into is dependent upon what religion or spirituality you uphold.
despite the existence of that balancing person, those people that complete you, those people that pass through you, you will ultimately die, and that will be your choice. you may not choose to get cancer, you may not choose to have parkinsons, but that moment of death is you, letting go of your own life force. it is not always a conscious decision, but it is still your very own. some choose to take it more violently than others. suicide is a brutal denial of that balance, a person thrown so out of sync with universe that they feel they have no control. their only sense of power, their way of knowing themselves is to take their own life. what pushes a person to that extreme, i cannot say. but death, the ultimate knowing of yourself, is your own final decision.
and so it is, that when we die, it is like a rock thrown into a still lake at dawn. the ripples fan out in ever growing concentric circles, and each molecule of water is in some way affected. that lake then would be the people that you have met and affected throughout your life. in that moment, you are at once both physically alone and occupied by every soul that has passed through you. and the parts of you that you have left behind in others, they continue on forever.
the beauty in every inch
-the format
[heavier things]
i'm going to go ahead and step out on a limb.
whoever said that we die alone was wrong. maybe not entirely, in that the physical act of dying is one that can only experienced by that person. but no one is ever truly alone.
from the very instant of our conception, we are not alone. we are nourished in the womb by our mother, then, once born, we rely on our parents and family members to care for us until we are fully capable of caring for ourselves (that point in time remains to be defined).
we then spend our days occupied in two ways. the first of these is our main task, the force that drives our existence. we spend our time making connections. day to day, we are surrounded by people. around 7 billion of them, if you really stop and think about it. some of those people we will never meet, some of those people will pass near us, and some of them will, in a sense, pass through us. we connect with others, and in that connection a part of them is left in us. some we relate to more than others, and thus in their absence, a larger part is left. a wise man once said "i am a part of all i have met." i believe that the converse is also true: we are the sum of all we have met. in this way, we are infinite and others are infinite through us.
the question remains. why do we spend so much time trying to connect with people? humans are a social animal, we thrive on our relationships and ultimately cannot function without them. there is the occasional aberration, the hermits that live on the outskirts of society, unable or unwilling to function surrounded by humans. but by doing this, they defy an integral part of their nature. we talk, we socialize, because we are not complete people. each of us is comprised of different qualities, different natures. yet it is only through others that we not only come to know ourselves, but also how we become complete. like the chinese yin yang, we each have within us a given amount of light and dark, positive and negative, and it is in our connections, our real relationships that give us a balance.
it is also through others that we come to know ourselves. this brings me to the second, and ultimately most important occupation. we come to understand ourselves. a philosopher decreed, "know thyself." this is, indeed, our most consuming task, for people on the surface seem to never remain quite the same. yes, people change. but the nature of a person, that integral part of someone, does not alter. it is only unearthed or added upon, in a sense. and we do this by making those important connections with people. this also explains why some people do not remain in our lives. we find at times that it may be impossible to continue a friendship, or people drift away. the balance that they once provided is gone, because in their presence they have provided a new understanding of yourself - adding on or unearthing a part of your true nature. and this part may not always be compatible with the other person. so, a split. but that does not mean that they've left your life forever. just the opposite, in fact. they are integrally a part of you, having shaped your identity in a deeper way.
yet no one truly knows the same person. we are all comprised of different defining qualities, and we respond differently to other people. the person that knows me as a loudmouthed waterfront director would not know me in the same way as the person who knows me as an older sister, who in turn would not know me as an energetic fourth grade teacher. is it possible for one person to know someone entirely? recognize all of their faces, their masks, their facets? this is someone that people, whether knowingly or unknowingly, spend their lives seeking.
and so we go through life, searching out those people that help best define us, help us find who we truly are. the catholics believe that there is one person, one ultimate match that completes everyone. call it a soulmate, life partner, husband, wife, whatever. it is a common belief that somewhere out there, everyone has someone that will bring them balance. though once you find that person, what kind of a union you enter into is dependent upon what religion or spirituality you uphold.
despite the existence of that balancing person, those people that complete you, those people that pass through you, you will ultimately die, and that will be your choice. you may not choose to get cancer, you may not choose to have parkinsons, but that moment of death is you, letting go of your own life force. it is not always a conscious decision, but it is still your very own. some choose to take it more violently than others. suicide is a brutal denial of that balance, a person thrown so out of sync with universe that they feel they have no control. their only sense of power, their way of knowing themselves is to take their own life. what pushes a person to that extreme, i cannot say. but death, the ultimate knowing of yourself, is your own final decision.
and so it is, that when we die, it is like a rock thrown into a still lake at dawn. the ripples fan out in ever growing concentric circles, and each molecule of water is in some way affected. that lake then would be the people that you have met and affected throughout your life. in that moment, you are at once both physically alone and occupied by every soul that has passed through you. and the parts of you that you have left behind in others, they continue on forever.
Monday, February 9, 2009
[american girls]
american girls are feathers and cream
come into bed so edible
-counting crows
[dreamcatcher]
in dreams....
last night i dreamed i was bleeding uncontrollably, talking to my dead grandfather in his old house, calling my CT to tell him i was going to urgent care and couldn't come in today to teach. there was a ship involved at some point.
[side note: last night i gouged my foot on glass, which caused a cut that would not stop bleeding]
several nights ago my dreams were haunted by a serial killer lurking in the shadows of a hotel i was visiting. i knew it was only a matter of time before he found me, in a dusk ridden hotel lobby strewn with bodies.
on wednesday of last week, i wandered in my dream dressed in a gorgeous pink prom dress like a lost doll. jessa and katie sb provided me with makeup, then went out to the car while i walked zombie-like around the house, convinced i needed my jacket, a purse, my shoes, something. i was looking for something while seeing ace of base rolling around the floor. there was also a tub filled with rose petals for me, though i could not use it - i was already late for the dance.
[side note: i woke up from this dream 5 minutes after i was supposed to have left the house]
on another happy occasion in dreamland, i dreamed i was being first spooned then strangled, only to wake up hitting the person next to me.
i don't know what i'm so afraid of, but i do know this: sleep has not been a comfortable experience for me as of late. anyone care to interpret?
peace all.
come into bed so edible
-counting crows
[dreamcatcher]
in dreams....
last night i dreamed i was bleeding uncontrollably, talking to my dead grandfather in his old house, calling my CT to tell him i was going to urgent care and couldn't come in today to teach. there was a ship involved at some point.
[side note: last night i gouged my foot on glass, which caused a cut that would not stop bleeding]
several nights ago my dreams were haunted by a serial killer lurking in the shadows of a hotel i was visiting. i knew it was only a matter of time before he found me, in a dusk ridden hotel lobby strewn with bodies.
on wednesday of last week, i wandered in my dream dressed in a gorgeous pink prom dress like a lost doll. jessa and katie sb provided me with makeup, then went out to the car while i walked zombie-like around the house, convinced i needed my jacket, a purse, my shoes, something. i was looking for something while seeing ace of base rolling around the floor. there was also a tub filled with rose petals for me, though i could not use it - i was already late for the dance.
[side note: i woke up from this dream 5 minutes after i was supposed to have left the house]
on another happy occasion in dreamland, i dreamed i was being first spooned then strangled, only to wake up hitting the person next to me.
i don't know what i'm so afraid of, but i do know this: sleep has not been a comfortable experience for me as of late. anyone care to interpret?
peace all.
Monday, February 2, 2009
[you don't know me]
so, what i'm trying to say is
what (what?)
i'm trying to tell you
it's not gonna come out
like i wanna say it
'cause i know you'll only change it
say it
you don't know me
you don't know me
you don't know me
at all.
-ben folds ft. regina spektor
[your favourite weapon]
how can you live with someone for so long and still, after so many years, they have no idea what kind of person you are or what would be best for you?
case in point: my mother. i've made it very clear that my heart is out west, that my greatest ambition at this point is to get a special education teaching job in seattle (or portland, or even san francisco/LA - somewhere urban). obviously, because she's my mother, she would like to keep me around, see me teach in the area for a while. yes. i will apply to some schools in grand rapids or ann arbor, partly to humor her, partly because i do love both of those cities and would deal best with living there if i had to stay in michigan. apparently, those weren't good enough for her.
the woman operates on teeth for a living. i'm sure she got this poor person strapped to a chair, stuffed with painful, torturous instruments, completely incapacitated their ability to talk, and extracted the information by force. however she did it, my mother managed to obtain the address of the superintendent for the troy school district.
troy.
michigan.
suburbiaville.
close to home.
are any of these things even remotely close to what i'm looking for in a job location?
NO.
i will apply, but i will not accept, should i be considered for hire.
to work there would be to put my sanity on the line.
suburbia, hah.
what was she thinking?
oh, mother.
surgeon general's warning: don't try my patience right now, it's currently unplugged.
peace.
what (what?)
i'm trying to tell you
it's not gonna come out
like i wanna say it
'cause i know you'll only change it
say it
you don't know me
you don't know me
you don't know me
at all.
-ben folds ft. regina spektor
[your favourite weapon]
how can you live with someone for so long and still, after so many years, they have no idea what kind of person you are or what would be best for you?
case in point: my mother. i've made it very clear that my heart is out west, that my greatest ambition at this point is to get a special education teaching job in seattle (or portland, or even san francisco/LA - somewhere urban). obviously, because she's my mother, she would like to keep me around, see me teach in the area for a while. yes. i will apply to some schools in grand rapids or ann arbor, partly to humor her, partly because i do love both of those cities and would deal best with living there if i had to stay in michigan. apparently, those weren't good enough for her.
the woman operates on teeth for a living. i'm sure she got this poor person strapped to a chair, stuffed with painful, torturous instruments, completely incapacitated their ability to talk, and extracted the information by force. however she did it, my mother managed to obtain the address of the superintendent for the troy school district.
troy.
michigan.
suburbiaville.
close to home.
are any of these things even remotely close to what i'm looking for in a job location?
NO.
i will apply, but i will not accept, should i be considered for hire.
to work there would be to put my sanity on the line.
suburbia, hah.
what was she thinking?
oh, mother.
surgeon general's warning: don't try my patience right now, it's currently unplugged.
peace.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
[bad day]
broadcast me a joyful noise unto the times
count your blessings
-r.e.m.
[on the radio]
funny, that R.E.M. song is one of my faves, but the title is misleading. it's definitely a song for a good day, like today.
it's 45 degrees.
it's sunny.
i'm recovering from the latest bout of flu.
i went outside without a coat.
life is beautiful.
count your blessings
-r.e.m.
[on the radio]
funny, that R.E.M. song is one of my faves, but the title is misleading. it's definitely a song for a good day, like today.
it's 45 degrees.
it's sunny.
i'm recovering from the latest bout of flu.
i went outside without a coat.
life is beautiful.
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