[why i am]

it's why i am
still here dancing with the Groo Grux King

-dave matthews band


[day thirteen]


sometimes, life throws little surprises at you. sometimes, it throws big surprises. sometimes, it throws a free ritzy condo in Frisco with four friends, a BBQ fest, a meal by a renown chef, and gorgeous mountain views.

i like it when life throws that in my weekend path.

my training, on the other hand, went out the window with all my good intentions. Phil even brought his running shoes to run with me...however, there was no running to be had at 9,000 ft the morning after a V.I.P. night out. woof.

today is a rest day. gotta love mondays.


peace.

[eye of the tiger]

it's the eye of the tiger
it's the thrill of the fight


-survivor


[day nine]


*note: this song is playing from the apartment down the hall as i type this. way to set the tone for the day.

storytime, kids. gather round, sit criss-cross-applesauce, and appreciate the goodness in life:

as i was walking into the Y, a small child was singing "YMCA" in only the way a small child can (aka off-key, to themselves, while toddling about).

i laughed out loud, loved my life, and walked inside happy.

then ran 5 miles.


end of story.

happy Thursday (and happy birthday MOM!)

today, i am a runner, a singer, a painter, a dreamer, a lover, a daughter, and a sun-worshiper. what a good day.

love it all.


peace.

[flake]

i know she loves the sunrise
no longer sees it with her sleeping eyes


-jack johnson



[day eight]


one week down!

yesterday i had a phenomenal run, everything just felt right and went the whole time without struggle. of course, it was only 4 miles, but all the same, a good run is a good run. i also tried out ashtanga yoga, which was an amazing experience. it was a foundational program, just teaching the basics in an hour. the actual yogis that practice ashtanga, they go for three hours at a time! whoa!

today i woke up at the crack of dawn, as my sleep schedule is still oriented towards teaching, and had a slow morning. i went to a 9 a.m. fusion yoga class, which combined multiple forms of yoga, including restorative (dim lights, candles, lavender...it's lovely) yoga. as far as training goes, today is a cross training day, so i hit up the arm machines and let the elliptical have it for an hour.


off to enjoy the sun :)


peace.

[who will guard the door]

you were the story i tried to tell
you were the savior that tripped and fell
beautiful dancing infidel

-over the rhine


[day six]


been neglectful on my posts, however, i've been attending to loved ones. it makes sense.

here's the breakdown of training:
saturday: ran an easy 3. went out and played in the rain. had midnight pizza and loved life.
sunday: 7 miles. woof. that one was rough. came back to friends playing video games, rallied the troops and ordered the most delicious chinese food, chatted soft and late.
monday: rest day.

i decided to truly take rest to it's fullest extent.

like a hermit for most of the day, i remained indoors with books and a candle that smells like sunscreen and waves.

i ventured out as the sun was setting for my first experience EVER with yoga. one of the prizes for running in the Colfax Marathon Relay was a free week at Qi Yoga Studio. as today was my rest day, i ever so appropriate chose Candlelight Restorative Yoga as my first plunge into a strange new world.

turns out it was a very wise choice, grasshopper.

it was lovely and dark (so no one could see my horrible form!) and the instructor had a wonderfully soothing voice. she took us through nearly an hour of basic poses, one flowing into another, and left time at the end for lavender eye bags and meditation. the final part of the session consisted of bringing your hands together, leaving a space between them for love, and holding the hands to the heart (love), lips (truth), and forehead (wisdom). finally, we bowed to the god in one another.

i was so relaxed, there were literal tears streaming down my face. the whole experience helped me to realize exactly how tense and stressed i had been, and just what a toll that had taken on my muscles and spine. now i feel just like a jellyfish. yum.


a session or two of that a week, and i'll be stress free.


tea and off to bed.


peace.

[flying horses]

but if you take a look, a look down the road
you'll see a badger and a one-eyed toad
they won't say a word they'll just look at you
with that wise old look of the old

-dispatch


[day three]


i'm feeling old and creaky and slow today. woke up slow, got out of bed slow, ate break slow...etc. yet it was a wonderful, productive day.

ventured down broadway to pick up a pair of training fins.
worked my legs on the machines and was surprised at the burn i felt, even though i was doing more reps with lower weights.
swam a mile with my new fins (which felt stellar!) and practiced my butterfly kick. one of these dang days i'll get the rhythm down and be able to do the stroke the right way.

i'm feeling what i've been doing - not in a disabling way, but in an achy, my muscles are saying "hey listen to me you've been working out!" kind of way.

it may be time to caffeinate.


peace.

[starstruck]

baby now that we're alone gotta request
could you make me number one on your playlist?

-lady gaga


[day two]

based on my TrainingPeaks planner for beginners, today was a slow, easy, 4 mile run.

yup.

it was easy, up until the point when boredom set in. it's been a while since i've run on a treadmill, and i'm realizing more and more that it's just hard for me to focus - even with the television and a magazine in front of me. it's a piece of cake when i'm outside, there are birds and flowers and people and chances are, i'm lost and trying to figure out how to get back home anyway.

what i'm saying is, i'm much more distracted when i run outside, and i think it's to my benefit. training inside on a treadmill, however, helps me control my pace, which is important considering i have a goal time of about 9 minute mile for the race.

long story made short, i'm going to have to get my focus on. the run felt great for the most part, and i'm really excited to be in training.


off to eat an apple.


peace.

[jai ho]

i keep it steady
'cuz steady is how i'm feelin'

-slumdog millionaire


[day uno]


okay, so it's official. i registered for the 2010 Denver Marathon.
it will be held on October 17th, meaning I have 123 days (not counting today) to train.

26.2 miles.

i'm going to start putting up a post every day of my training.

today was a cross-training day. i moseyed over to the Y around 9:30, only to find it absolutely packed! isn't that counter-intuitive? it's summer, folks! go outside and do your thing.

while flustered that i couldn't initially do what i wanted, this is what i accomplished:

machines for my arms, back, and torso
elliptical: 3 miles
bike: 17 miles

here's to the next big adventure!



peace.

[lie in our graves]

when i step into the light
my arms are open wide
when i step into the light
my eyes searching wildly
would you not like to be
sitting on top of the world with
your legs hanging free


-dave matthews band


[i dreamed a dream]


well, it's finally here.
the last week of school is upon me.
it is a strange, wonderful, exhilarating, and slightly sobering feeling all at once.
i love my students, but i know it's time. i'm ready for a break.
the sobering part is wondering what to do with all the time given to me....

it is slightly unsettling to have an entire summer open before me. it makes me wonder, will i be okay without water? without sand? without a schedule? without Pendy friends?

the answer is obviously yes, though i know i cannot go a whole summer without a dose of camp goodness, that necessary reaffirmation of life and love and appreciation of the bare essentials. i'll be back to visit for a week, just to give myself a little boost. but in the meantime....

this is my summer.

*climbing 14ers with Phil
*playing by the pool
*training for the Denver marathon
*kayaking down the Arkansas River
*visits from Juice and the Attwood interns
*Telluride Bluegrass Festival
*working on my Chaco tan lines :)
*road-tripping home for some Pendy love, family reunions, and quality time Up North with the fam
*pictures, pictures, pictures
*learning how to paint and throw pots
*prepping for next year with school friends by visiting flea markets and teacher stores
*possibly finding a job as a lifeguard.....(we'll see about that one!)


the first big adventure has almost come to a close, and i'm upon the brink of the next.
sometimes the unknown is scary, but i'm going in headfirst. see you at the top of the world, my legs dangling over the edge:)


peace.

[meaning]

love has a reason
there's a meaning to the world


-gavin degraw


[chariot]


some days i despise children.
but most days they just make me laugh.

some days i'm completely drained of energy.
but most days i run around until the sun sets.

some days i yearn for summer.
but most days i really enjoy the time with my students.

i think those kids are getting to me....

yesterday i had been talking about this one little boy - he's a 5th grader with a whole ton going on ... he's got an extreme learning disability coupled with one of the worst-managed cases of ADHD and a dad who doesn't know how to be a parent because he's too busy doing meth. his arm is in a cast from a missed bike jump, yet he was rollerblading home last week. his everything is dirty, his mouth is always moving, and he hasn't had a haircut since i met him.

in short, i really like this kid. (disclaimer: obviously i really like all my students, however, this one is such a heartbreaking case that i can't help but dwell upon it.)

since he was on my mind, naturally, i dreamed that this child had been shot. i woke up in tears, only to realize that it was, fortunately, just a dream. one that is truly indicative of my feelings that this child has been victimized in the worst way: neglect, and my own feelings of helplessness in this situation.

having this dream made me realize that there really is a fine line that teachers walk between doing what you are supposed and doing "too much." it's hard to tell the difference some days.

St. Theresa wrote something that i think is not only remarkably appropriate, but also makes me think that she and i would have been besties if she were alive today.

grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,
the courage to change the things i can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

i'm going to re-title this "The Teacher's Prayer."


only 2 more mondays, 3 more WRATs, 6 more DIBELS, and 14 more teaching days until summer.


this month is flying.


i'm gonna go catch it.


peace.

[the general]

so take your shower and shine your shoes
you've got no time to lose


-dispatch


[simple life]


a random listing of mish-mash...











1. um, excuse me, but how is it MARCH 25th already???

who said this could happen so suddenly?

i'm pretty sure just yesterday i was in the midst of csap, i was just at home for Christmas break, i was just pondering the thought of Tofurkey, i was just packing and getting ready to move out here.

i'm not sure how time works, but whoa. spring break is only 6 teaching days, 4 tests, and 1 IEP meeting away :) one of the many perks of teaching are the breaks....go figure.


2. there are two ways to identify your arrival into Commerce City: 1. the smell. there's always some ghastly, sulfurous stench as soon as you pass the welcome sign. 2. the massive amount of semi-trucks that crowd the streets, creating an impassable roadblock of infuriatingly slow speeds. it makes me happy to be there. really.

3. random phone calls and text messages from friends keep me grounded. out here it's sometimes easy to forget who you are and what you came from...until you have the little message icon on your phone's screen from people you camped with, taught with, drank with, and enjoyed life with back home.

4. camp never leaves you. i donned my rain jacket on Tuesday as my students looked incredulously at me. "What about dismissal? How can we go out in the rain?" they fretted. Oh, silly children. "Rain or shine, dismissal happens." Upon saying that I was instantly transported to a rainy camp day, the game stations up and running after an indoor breakfast and chapel session while lightning flashed and the rain pounded on the lodge rooftop.

5. this summer brings the promise of a two-week adventure at Arches and Canyonlands, as well as the threat of a two-piece bathing suit...something i haven't squeezed into for 4 years. get ready, Colorado, for my great white belly!

6. in a month i'll be 24. i've started looking at marathon schedules for this year...it's time. i made a promise to myself that i would run 26.2 miles consecutively before i turn 25. this year is the year. it's slightly exhilarating, yet terrifying at the same time. it is such a daunting task, but i know i can make it happen. (plus training will help me get ready for the ominously looming bathing suit season. eek!)

7. i feel like a twelve year old with an adult's to do list. pay my accountant, fill out my census form, write IEP goals, pay the rent, get an oil change, schedule a hair appointment, etc, etc, etc. part of me wants to scribble all over it and run outside to play, but there's another part of me that is filled with pleasure at these mundane tasks. they're now mine.

i am responsible for me.

while at times this can be overwhelming, it's also kind of thrilling, in a way.

don't get me wrong, i don't dig my bank account getting progressively smaller after paying for my apartment, my car, my electricity, my water, and my insurance. but i do enjoy being independent.

8. food poisoning is death. i have never been so sick in my entire life. literally, it took me a week to finally regain my health and normal digestive functioning. i wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy (not that i really have enemies, now that i think about it) even though Phil was a champion and took the day off to take care of me :)

9. the phone never fails to ring while i am doing dishes. though, i vastly increase my odds of the phone ringing while i do dishes by doing dishes all the time. i'm convinced i do more dishes than anyone i know. this may or may not have something to do with my phobia of standing water, and a distinct distaste for dirty dishes piled in sinks.

10. i have puppy fever. i. want. a. puppy. this is compounded by the fact that i live in a state where everyone and their mother has a dog. i could be rapidly approaching puppy malaria status. wooof.

enough of the random listings - it's time for this old lady to hobble off to bed.
it's finally friday eve!


peace.

[cannonball]

and it's not hard to grow
when you know that you just
don't know


-damien rice


[one round home]


i think it's funny to see who we end up with in life.



there are people in your life that come and go. they enter suddenly, leave an imprint, a memory, a feeling, possibly carve a niche in your heart, then go, sometimes just as abruptly. their time may be brief, it may be a summer, it may be years. but just as we ourselves grow and change, so do the people in our lives. not everyone is meant to stay, but the ones that made a difference will always be remembered. Kristin Chenoweth said it best when she said, "you'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart."



and then there are the people that stay. (i'm exploring that one. more to come)




so here's to lovely weekends playing with pottery, irish pubs, and frolicking in the spring-like sun.
and here's to exploring.



peace.

[forever young]

reminisce
talk some shit
forever young is in your mind
leave a mark they can't erase



-jay-z


[do you remember]


a lima bean plant grows in Commerce City.
















in the meantime, a schedule also grows in Commerce City.
more specifically, in my modular.















the picture you behold contains the documents from just this past week's scheduling fiascos with the infamous CSAP (that monster of a test that demands advanced performance from Colorado students). i have literally been inundated with bits and pieces information which have caused me to perform countless revisions, write a billion emails, and all KINDS of organizing that has left me with a giant headache and a craving for Ben and Jerry's (my two favorite ice cream men.) in the wake of preparation for this life-changing event, i've managed to knock down a small forest.

CSAP, which has been looming ominously in the horizon, is finally and unfortunately upon me. it will take over my life for not one, not two, but three weeks of my life - just as i've gotten my 5th graders to bloom as brilliantly as my plant with their learning and just as i've recently inherited 8 new 4th graders after a fellow learning specialist was taken from the building (which caused yet ANOTHER scheduling change. big surprise.)

the thing about special ed is that it never stops changing and you never stop scheduling.


so here's to three weeks of students showing what they know and three weeks of providing accommodations so that those students can shine.


woooooof.


is it April yet?


peace.

[blue lips]

the pictures in his mind arose
and began to breathe


-regina spektor



[drops in the bucket]


lately, i've just been feeling down. maybe not even down, but more like, flatlined. not great, not myself, not really much of anything but blah. maybe it's a defense mechanism from all the stress, maybe it's the winter, maybe it's any number of reasons why.

the point is, i've felt dry. used up. just flat.

so when our PD this morning revolved around a response to the book "Drops in the Bucket," i made no correlation whatsoever to my own state of being. instead, i simply kicked back and enjoyed hearing one of my favorite stories.

but really, that story became the theme of the day.

i had a co-worker, one whom i rarely talk to and know very little of, make it a point to email me today, extending support and appreciation for the new program i'm initiating in the school.

i received a great review from the director of special ed and my principal regarding my teaching from the walkthrough the day before...when walkthroughs are notoriously negative and critical.

finally, i went out for drinks with my sped cohorts, and engaged in some very candid, bolstering conversation :) one of the girls i work with was on my interview committee when i was looking for a job this summer, and she said i was by far and away the most dynamic person they had interviewed, and was the school's number one pick.

dynamic. number one. awesome iniative. great engagement.

drip. drip. drip. drip.

just like that, i feel more like myself than i've felt in a long time. just like that, with just a few simple words, i am whole.

it truly is amazing the difference a few words can make.


sometimes all it takes is a couple drops in the bucket to make you feel validated again.


i'm going to stop writing now and fill a few more buckets.


peace.

[1901]

now the future's sorted out
watch her moving in elliptical patterns


-phoenix


[you've got the love]


a woman outside the post office sporting Greenpeace gear today asked me, "Do you want to help me save the world?"
my response as i quickly marched past, head down was, "I already do that every day."

had this woman asked me this question a year ago, i would have no doubt made the same response. instead of my snarky, almost resigned tone, however, that statement would have been full to the brim with earnest belief and anticipation. as i nearly bolted away, i began to think about the truth to that remark.

i am a teacher. i save the world every day.

it's just really easy to forget that.

since becoming a part of this profession nearly seven months ago, i have been swept up in the scheduling nightmares, the co-worker conflicts, the lack of support from the superiors, the insistence upon adhering exactly to the curriculum, an inherent misunderstanding of special education, and nearly zero respect from the parents. in other words, the politics of the profession. my senses have been flooded with "you're not doing enough," "why aren't those scores higher?" "why isn't my kid learning faster?"

and if that weren't overwhelming enough, there are the children.

there are the children that draw on every single page of the notebook you bought them, there are the children that spend half the class in the bathroom, there are the children that scream "The Star-Spangled Banner" at the top of their lungs, there are the children that are staring out the window dreaming of everything else but school, there are the children that just can't keep their mouths shut to save their souls. of course, there are the children that want to learn. but it's easy to lose them in the chaotic shuffle that is a resource room.

the problem is, it's just easy to forget the good things.

and we, as teachers, are doing good things. yes, part of those "good things" includes teaching kiddos to read. but truthfully, that's minimal compared to other skills that i am trying desperately to imbue unto these children.

if i can teach these children to take responsibility for themselves; not blaming their mistakes on their neighbor, their friend, their dog, not losing everything they own in a span of five minutes, not forgetting their homework on their desk while walking out of the classroom - if instead i can teach them to be responsible for their actions, i will have succeeded.
if i can teach these students to care; to care for themselves, their belongings, their environment, and even their friends, i will have succeeded.
if i can teach these students to be honest; instead of looking off of someone else's work just to get it done, instead of cheating during a test, instead of lying about who started the fight - if instead i can enable them to be people of character who own up to their actions, i will have succeeded. finally, if i can teach them to respect; respect themselves for the inherently wonderful children they are and the brilliant adults they can become, respect the school and their teachers for the opportunities that are given, respect their peers as worthy individuals, respect their community and environment around them, then i will have succeeded.

truthfully, i am in the profession of teaching children how to be genuine people, not the profession of teaching reading, writing, and 'rithmetic as is so commonly believed.

and yes, i did just go all four core values all over this blog. thank you, YMCA. you have taught me that character, leadership, and integrity are far more valuable than knowing how to spell "restitution" correctly.

i can only hope to impart that same wisdom to seventeen small children in the midst of all this madness.



peace.

[country roads]

all my memories, gather 'round her
miner's lady, stranger to blue waters
dark and dusty, painted on the sky

-john denver


[on the loose]


hello sunrise.
hello Thursday.

i was greeted by another gorgeous sunrise coming out of the gym this morning, and, per usual, i thought to myself, "painted on the sky." literally, the mornings out here are unreal - they look as if some modernist painter threw yellows, reds, and oranges at the canvas, letting the paints flow and meld into one another. i have seen some of the most beautiful sunrise vistas in my time in Colorado. my jaws have dropped a countless number of times.

now that i'm here, now that i'm immersed in the beauty, i've come to realize that the only thing to do is enjoy it....and share with as many of my loved ones as possible. so please, everyone, ask yourself this question: have you ever seen the sunrise turn the sky completely red?


if not, then you should be here.
now.


peace.

[carried home]

the kettle burned 'cause we left it too long
and we were kissing with the radio on


-iron&wine


[seek up]


a lovely person in my life once introduced me to the idea of "top fives". "top fives" can be a list of five things, typically the five best things in your life at that current moment. it can, however, also be adjusted to whatever topic so desired, such as "top five reasons to vent," "top five things that went wrong today," "top five people," etc. she also introduced me to the scent of patchouli, farmer's market fresh sandwiches, measuring lengths of parts of the body, the joys of reading to another person, being absolutely comfortable with yourself, and slowing the rhythm of the world, however, these are beside the point.

here are my top fives for today (in no particular order):
1. morning runs
2. seeing the humor in nearly everything
3. the ridiculous things small children say (for example, small german children that rant about scary monsters that come out on St. Nicklaus's day in the middle of a reading lesson :)
4. having a wonderful person in my life that loves to cook (and text me at work)
5. setting up "book buddies" with my students!

today (and recently) it's been particularly easy to see the good in things and the beauty around me. my trigger finger's been itchy for that camera, however, i always seem to be in the most inopportune spots when i see the most glorious sights. i'm practically bubbling over with joy, however, there's a nagging part of me that can't help but feel that it's all too good to be true and that something bad is bound to happen.

and i know it will.

obviously i don't know what will happen, i'm not psychic. but i do recognize that there is a rise and fall, an ebb and flow to fortune in life. the chinese example of fortune as a ferris wheel - you will be at the top, but you will also spend time at the bottom before coming back around - is one that particularly resonates for me. things are lovely now, though i know that there will be unpleasant disruptions. life goes on and on in it's great circle, and what is now will be again at some point.

but in this moment, i'm celebrating what i find to be good. which is quite a bit.


peace.

[mr. jones]

so come dance this silence
down through the morning


-counting crows


[we all want something beautiful]


...mmm....

i'm all wrapped up in the blanket that is Colorado, all wrapped up in the sunny, snow-melted noontimes, the rosy, ice-draped sunsets, the giddy, vacation-laden children, the lazy, lascivious mornings bucking green covers, the daily grind (sans coffee, of course), earnest secret-vault whispers, and dreams of golden possibilities along the trail of muddy boot-prints.

colorado is something beautiful. i've fallen madly and irrevocably in love with the place that, at our initial meeting, felt terribly strange yet familiar. as i explained to a dear friend over coffee under the Tuscan sun - i knew i was in the place that was perfect for me, yet i had felt so out-of-place initially. true to form, i have found home with the people out here. with my MSU family, with my students, with my renegade SPED team :) it never fails. it's the people that make the place, and wherever my heart is, i'm home. my heart has become inextricably tied, for which i am incredibly thankful.

starting this year off buoyed by the love of wonderful people, i can only feel positive about 2010 and all it is to bring.

so, a few days late, here's my toast to the baby decade. i raise my glass to love, to possibilities, and to change. for most often it is the unforeseen changes that escort challenge, surprise, and sometimes even heartache through our doorway. and it is in these moments, these delights, these struggles, that we are truly able to love, and to live life as we should: fully and unabashedly.

here's to the new year, babies.
slainte.