[fireflies]

i'm weird 'cause i hate goodbyes
i got misty eyes as they said farewell

-owl city


[iamundernodisguise]

it is in how we respond to the choices we are given that character is simultaneously revealed and shaped.
choice is an integral part of human development.




some choices are harder than others.

[unwinding cable car]

with quiet words
i'll lead you in

-anberlin


[coordinate brain and mouth]


confession time:

it drives me absolutely CRAZY when people don't appreciate what they have. there's so much focus on what they don't have, what they want, what's wrong, all the negative things in their life.

here's the thing.

i teach in a poor, urban district with a whole bunch of kids who can't see past the brokedown fence in their front yard. they sit in my classroom, convert oxygen to carbon dioxide, and walk out, still not trying. not all of my kids are in this category, but the ones that are merit special concern. if i can just get them to appreciate what they have (ahem, an EDUCATION, OPPORTUNITIES, etc), if i can just get them to see the good in their life and the differences they are all capable of making, then i have done my job. if they can learn about themselves, their capabilities and strengths, and use these assets to in turn become an asset to others and their world around them, then i have succeeded.
standardized tests and curriculum be damned.

[turns off mic, steps off pedestal, lights dim.]

kate out.

[(fork and knife)]

the wolf messed with your vision
he's sitting in your kitchen
while you sleep tonight.
he will eat your young
and you will act surprised


-brand new


[here is gone]

AHHH!!!!
the way my brain works, i'll never understand.

here's my situation:

i've been missing camp more than life itself. truly, i'd give anything to go back right now.
and i could....potentially.
i have october 30th (that friday) off as a PD day. i'm considering taking the 29th (that thursday) off to drive out to camp for halloween.

dilemma: there may or may not be three IEPs that i am personally responsible for being held on that day. this is the fourth time they've had to be rescheduled already, and we as a school could be held out of compliance (which is a BIG deal) by the CDE (colorado department of education) if the IEPs are late.

so what do i do?

do i save my sanity by visiting camp and the people i love or do i save money and my school by keeping in compliance with CDE?

potential plus: if those lovely people in chicago can afford to take time off, i can pick them up and take them to camp as well :)

thoughts?

[sweet disposition]

so stay there
'cause i'll be coming over


-temper trap


[hallelujah]


it never comes in trickles but in floods. floods in wall posts, in music, in pictures, in messages, in transit. i don't think i can express in words just how deeply i miss camp and everyone connected with it. this isn't new. i've just been so incredibly affected by my experiences there that to try to verbalize how i feel at this present time would only sound shallow and repetitive.
OH. SO. EMO.
i talked with a friend this weekend about taking off a week and visiting camp.
that's sounding better and better with every minute.

(don't get me wrong. i ADORE colorado and the wonderful people i've met here. my job is going wonderfully, the kids are hilarious (a small child just today told me i looked like a cop in my aviators :) - though sometimes extremely challenging, and i'm loving what i'm doing. it's just that camp pulls at my heartstrings in such a way that unmistakable and irreplaceable, even irresistible.)

so here i sit, hundreds of miles away from the people with whom i feel most home.

i'm torn. to wish for summer would be to wish away the sweet, melting smell of fall, with the burning leaves decorating cement sidewalks, as well as the frosty winter and the newly upturned dirt of spring.
i can't wish all that time away, knowing that there are going to be some incredibly precious moments between now and home.
but home sounds so wonderful right now.


love.love.love.

[raining in baltimore]

the circus is tumbling down on it's knees
the big top is crumbling down


-counting crows


[(fork and knife)]



the mountains and skyline were shrouded in heavy, grey clouds spewing frozen precipitation in mass quantities.
yes, it snowed today.
if i had still been in michigan, i would have been mad - because i know michigan and it's WAY too early for snow there. but since i don't know colorado, i can't be mad. not yet.
and really, who can be mad when they're snuggled under every blanket they own, curled in a papisan chair laughing at glee (most def. my new fav. show) while sipping on hot chocolate with marshmallows?
love.life.


in all honesty, i'm so glad i picked here.

[cornbread]

dancing with the devil round the fire
messing with your mama's bed for a little more magic
make you wanna run around naked
'cause you know it looks good on you


-dave matthews band




we[come together]


there's something so compelling about watching the sky go golden, the smokey-colored mountains silhouetted in stark contrast.
in a word, it's breathtaking.

today's one of those days in which the pieces seem to fall together in a more orderly fashion. not perfect, but definitely a good day.

the goo goo dolls said it best when they said:

you know i'm lost
hiding in your bed
no i don't think it's wrong
it's just gone to my head


-hate this place

[talk show host]

floating upon this surface for the birds
the birds
the birds

-radiohead


[styrofoam remix]


ah!
the events of my life have been mostly surreal.
here's the highlights from september.

...a language! filled week.
*enjoying the Language! trainer
*goofing around with Jenny, Jim, and Kelly for three days
*wandering to McD's with Jenny and Kelly on a Friday that felt like summer.
*being first told that my Friday IEPS were canceled on Thursday night, only to be called at 10:00 on Friday to find that they, in fact, most certainly were not canceled. oops.
*making those IEPS a success, despite the frantic conditions that preceded them.

DOWNTOWN
*weekend with Phil and Steve on the town
*insert many drinking challenges, bribing a car valet, and much mischief. good things.
*Tour de Fat: reveling in bikes, brews, and a circus-like atmosphere all day Saturday

...a marathon week.
*teaching. all. week. long.
*trip to the ER on Monday for massive stomach pains = quality time with the child advocate (super cool) and a trip to pick up my car and dinner with a friend downtown.
*CONFERENCES!!! working from literally 7:30 a.m. to 8 p.m. Tuesday through Thursday.
*needing to learn Spanish. desperately.
*playing with Theo instead of lesson planning (aiding and abetting him in his attempts at magic tricks :)
*half-day Friday spent with my door open, working on sub plans, soaking in the warm breeze.

[a weekend i DO NOT remember]
*i believe it was spent recovering from one L.O.N.G. week
*Journey of Hope Benefit concert Sunday with Phil at Red Rocks = an amazing atmosphere

...a week of NEARLY no teaching.
*no school Monday means a LOST day looking for the DMV, starting to pack...
*PD tuesday - goofing around with Jenny while trying to learn about visual strategies
*wednesday in the classroom = kids forgetting who i am!
*CRF PD thursday in Englewood means crashing at a friend's :)
*FRIDAY FLIGHT!!!!

WISCONSIN!
*flying by myself for the first time
*having "that child" behind me. you know, the one that kicks, screams, and cries for the entire duration of the flight. lucky me.
*chatting with a lawyer/real estate proprietor from California, meeting over "Atlas Shrugged"
*beautiful weather for football!
*phone calls early in the morning from a friend in the hospital - slightly scary.
*tailgating....all.day.long. bar hopping....all.night.long.
*reconnecting with those people that made college home for five years. good times.

...a week of ALL teaching.
*instituting the Language! program
*TEAM SUCCESS!!! really making a difference with my behavior kiddos :)
*Monday = one show of a day. not in a good way.
*PD after school Wednesday AND Thursday. i'm not a machine, people!!!
*IEP on Friday...loving that paperwork...ew.

UofM/MSU GAME!!!
*early to bed Friday to rest up :)
*making a shirt at 8 a.m.
*Blake Street Tavern, surrounded by State fans and good people
*making it official...
*tromping around town, talking to bums and watching Penn play
*texting everyone and their mother, possibly spilling alcohol all over my phone (now quite sticky...)
*making a fool of myself and passing OUT early with a black eye and a fat lip
*driving through the mountains to visit the family in Breckenridge for dinner :)


i don't quite understand how everything works, but i'm so glad it does.
love wins.

[sinning hands]

the river still may rise
wild and water take us both
mine are sinning hands
take our bodies, take our clothes


-iron & wine



[wash]


oh, immerse me in the music, in the noise and sound
until my pores overflow, until my lungs fill
and all i breathe are the notes,
the feelings in me rise and swell with the crescendo,
the rhythm of my body, of my mind,
all blend with the chords in progression as they
march down my spine,
washing away the dirty film, the tensions of the day
at rest, have gone away.

[porch rose rust]

there's a woman down the street
with roses on her porch
cultivating beauty amidst the mire
spiraling forth from the earth
a natural beacon, haven for
perfumed thoughts and winged hopes.

there's a woman down the street
she's selling her roses
like she's selling her soul.
the swinging sign in the yard reads
"for sale, inquire within"
and on her face, the chagrin
in wrinkled lines tells many tales.

yes, she's selling her roses,
like she's selling her soul.

there's a woman down the street
and she's in her two feet
and she feels love
while water streams down
filling in the cracks
of the vines that rise up.
they are striving for the sun.

oh, she's selling her roses
while the porch swing rusts.

[gravity rides everything]

oh, gotta see, gotta know right now
what's that riding on your everything?

-modest mouse


[arms of a thief]


sometimes, somanythoughtsracethroughmyheadit'shardtoslowdownandunderstandwhat'sgoingon.

here's a list of some silly, inane thoughts that go through my head...

1. i will contract some horrible disease like salmonella from my dishes, which do not get washed by a dishwasher but instead are washed by yours truly - and i doubt my washing abilities...

2. my mail will never come because the nameplate on my mailbox has not been changed from McLaughlin yet and will all be labeled "return to sender". i exist here, i swear!

3. my students are unwittingly acting out "Lord of the Flies" with the substitute while i'm gone at Language! (the publishers put in the exclamation point, not me) training all this week.

4. i will wake up tomorrow morning to find that my knees have ceased to work, due to the fact that i run quite hard, and quite possibly improperly (Dom never fails to mention my "prancing"...).

oh, how the list goes on. unfortunately, i am truly my mother's daughter in the way i worry, just as my mother is her mother's daughter...i come by it honestly, there's a long line of Carry women that worry incessantly. the only difference in my case is that i realize i worry about little things, and i can put it all into perspective and STOP worrying.

time for an early night, there's LOTSANDLOTS to do tomorrow, as always :)

goodnight, dears.

[wagon wheel]

i am an old woman
named after my mother


-old crow medicine show


[crash into me]


do you ever feel that on certain days you're a certain age?
i mean, i'm definitely not 23 every day of my life. most days, i feel like i'm 12. moving out here, i've felt all of about 5. this evening, i'm approximately 82.

getting out of my chair just now, every muscle groaned in vehement protest.
sometimes, i wonder why i do it.
run, i mean.
it's delightfully, terribly, masochistic.

but overall, it's just so good.


love for now.

[busted stuff]

rolling stone gathers no moss
but leaves a trail of busted stuff


-dave matthews band


[diggin' ditches]

...and filling them back in.

WHOA.
so much has happened in the time between my last post and now.

major things:

*joined the YMCA out here and will be spinning :)
*had a child tell me "i don't write." ..... this kiddo will be a challenge, to say the least.
*bought a new car!
*was taken out on a date with the guy who sold me my Tiguan.
*went to the mountains and played yesterday (for the first time)
*visited breckenridge and purchased a snowboard setup (it's already been decided that someone WILL be following me around on my first several runs, as i will be falling flat on my face.)
*was asked by my 5th grade team if i would be willing to teach science...this would mean teaching HUMAN DEVELOPMENT. yay, sex ed. we'll see if i actually end up teaching it.

baby, things move fast around here. that's why i love sundays, especially on a long weekend. it's time to take life slow, do the things i want to do without the pressure of getting things done for monday.
so here's to rolling, and rolling slow on an easy sunday.
love.

[black balloon]

i saw the world spin beneath you
and it scattered like ice from the spoon


-goo goo dolls


[absolutely normal chaos]


houston, we have achieved something like normalcy today!
corny, i know, but when you're all up in the beginning of the schoolyear, things are an absolute show, and doubly so if you're in special ed.
i got my kids for BOTH writing and math today for the first time, yay!
had a great talk with my principal, we're on the same page and making changes to my schedule (go figure, something new!) that will allow me to better help my students, double yay!

outside of school...yes, i sort of have a life outside of the purple building....i got to talk to an old friend who really reminded me of all the things i love to do and had planned on doing once i got out here and got settled. it's strange to think that it's possible to forget the things you actually want to do, but in the chaos of figuring out everything i had to do, my own personal interests got shoved aside.

here's the (ever-growing) list.

1.learn the cello
2. join an orchestra
3. learn to snowboard
4. join a photographer's association
5. hiking/camping (club, maybe?)
6. take up yoga/spinning at the Y (Spo, i'm going to make you proud ;)

so i whipped out my flute and blew away the dust tonight after that inspirational phone call. MAN it felt good to pick it up and make music once more. i had forgotten what a simple pleasure that was. looking over my sheet music i realized - i used to be good. i hope to be so once more.
what i'm trying to say is twofold: one - thanks Will, it's always wonderful to talk with you, and two - i'm super excited about what the future will bring.
i've already started on it.
here's to checking off that list of loving life.


here, in this hour, it is just me, a cup of tea, the goo goo dolls, and ayn rand's "atlas shrugged."
round two, here i come.

cheers.

[electric feel]

with voltage running through her skin
standing there with nothing on
she's gonna teach me how to swim


-mgmt


[sweet disposition]


two absolutely crucial, very important things:

1. go see (500) days of summer.
absolutely beyond phenomenal.

2. next time i try to leave, just hold me.
don't let me go.


so many times i think i've made up my mind, that i feel like what i'm doing is for the best, it's exactly what i want to be doing.
i've been told by some very wise people to "go with my gut" so to speak. to trust my feelings.
what happens when you realize that making yourself happy also affects others? what happens when you realize that making yourself happy isn't always the easiest decision?

have no regrets.
take it for what it is.
love the hell out of it.
learn from it.


believe me when i say these aren't always the easiest things to do.
so it goes.



i'll teach you how to swim as soon as i figure out how.

[private radio]

catch me, not care
can't call me later
morning's rising


-vanessa carlton


[gravity]


this is a morning for indulgences (i can't help but think of the fridge in chuck's basement when i use that word...). toast with honey, and raspberry tea listening to the crooning of sara, vanessa, kt, and nora. a lovely, luxuriously lazy morning writing to those i love, planning to use my day exactly how i want it to be used.
i think i'll wear a dress today :)

love.

[let me be it]

let me be your tidal wave
that flows around you like a million
drops of summer rain
that flows around you like a million
tears


-the flaming lips


[let me be your rain]


there's no water here.
it rains (if the brief misting even qualifies) for approximately five minutes, then everything miraculously dries and the sun comes out again.
for whatever reason, in moving to the mountains i forgot i was leaving lakes behind me.
i didn't realize i'd miss them so much, too.
my research shows a two hour drive in order to find the nearest lake.

i smell a field trip in the very near future....



let me hold up the sky while you try.


i guess what i'm trying to say is that when you move away, you suddenly become aware of all the little things, the small strings that still tug at your heart. not all at once, but you feel the pull from all sides, places you didn't necessarily expect.
coming from a person who is typically found in the role of holding up the sky, it's a little bit of a role reversal, being the person to try.
i guess what i'm trying to say is that this isn't easy. at all.
but it DOES mean that i'm so lucky, to have so much love in my life to miss.
and i can only hope that in this year i can make Colorado a place to miss as well.

goodnight, and goodluck.

[who's to say]

stand up straight
do your trick
turn on the stars


-vanessa carlton


[high heels and cardigans]


and so starts the school year, in a whirlwind of madness.
the district begins with a marathon three days of testing, which includes a crazy rotational period during the day.
swept up in it all, it felt so flipping good to be back in the swing of things.
actually, it felt remarkably like a Sunday at camp (what a comfortable feeling!). i read the rules for the cafeteria and then took the small children (seriously, small...i had first and second graders!) outside to play. in that sense, things were wonderfully right at home. now little critters are walking around the building waving at me, and i feel like i belong.
it's such a comforting feeling, to have students in the school. life is starting, the wheel is beginning to turn, and everything is coming into focus.

so rock me momma...

i can only put my everything into this.
i can only hope that my everything is enough to make a difference.
i can only hope that my students leave me as empowered individuals, using their remarkable potential and capability to reach the stars.

there's so much inbetween now and then, and i can't wait to get in the water and swim, to revel in the glorious madness that is teaching.


peace.

[city]

here in these deep city lights
a girl could get lost tonight


-sara bareilles



[reasons why]


students come tomorrow!!!!!
i'll be meeting my 16 fourth and fifth graders, then promptly testing their brains out for three days. makes sense?
not quite.
i don't know how i feel about this district anymore.
i love how small, how family-like the atmosphere seems to be.
i don't quite love how assessment driven and program adherent they are.
what if you have a poor program? you're still stuck with it.
maybe i'm just fighting the man because i feel my creativity in my profession is being squashed. i'll have to learn to work with what i've got and make the best of it.
still, i can't quite shake the feeling of unease, especially every time i go to talk to one of the teachers. she's never really very happy to see me....
i'm new.
i know it.
i've got a LOT to prove.
i know i can do it.
but a little faith on everyone else's part would be much appreciated.

::deep breath::

here i go.

[dance anthem of the 80's]

an addiction to hands and feet
there's a meat market down the street
the boys and girls watch each other eat
when they really just wanna watch each other sleep

-regina spektor


[laws of attraction]



could someone explain to me why we fall?
what is it that drives the forces between people?
is it all just our chemical composition? the way it mingles with theirs?
does it really just boil down to atoms and molecules?
and if so, how is it such a powerful force?

and tell me, if such things are so biological, then how and why is the conscience involved?
is that what makes us so intrinsically human?
the ability to reason? to feel compassion? to love?
lust is biological, primal. the cerebral cortex takes over in order to procure the survival of the species.
love is...is something else entirely.
love does not ensure the survival of a species.
love does require rational thought, the ability to experience complex emotions. truthfully, though, i'm not sure how much of love is truly rational. maybe a better way to phrase that concept would be to say that love requires a being that is capable of rational thought, because of the other functions and processes that occur in tandem with a highly developed brain.
yet often, when in love, or the process of falling, we often act so irrationally.
so much of love is absolutely counter-intuitive.

we fall for people already in a committed relationship.
we fall for people that we know will break our hearts.
we fall for people that are completely incompatible.

but really, what is falling?

and why is it so essential to our being?
one could argue that love is necessary to the survival of our species. could anyone truly live without love?
is it possible to control how we feel about another person?
and, if so, then how is it possible to untangle the nasty mess of love, lust, compassion, attraction, and every other emotion that sinuously weaves itself into the convoluted tapestry of human existence in order to experience something pure?

why is it so integrally important, so essential to be touched, appreciated, desired, needed, connected, understood, intertwined with another human? more importantly, not just any human. one that we, in turn, find desirable, attractive, lovable, and the other myriad qualities that each individual deems necessary. a person that fulfills an invisible (biological?) list of mandatory prerequisites.



why, damn it all, do we fall?



an addiction to hands and feet, indeed.

[eet]

it's like forgetting the words
to your favorite song
you can't believe it
you were always singing along


-regina spektor


[one more time, with feeling]


here we go again.

one messy modular classroom.
three fourth graders.
thirteen fifth graders.
sixteen IEPS.
heaps and tons of learning and fun.

back to school, indeed.

dupont is like a whole new world. the schedules are all blocked out with labels like ELA, CORE, Supplementary, and Intervention. the first three days are assessments using DIBELS, DRA, and all kinds of other acronyms that soon will become extremely familiar to me.

bring it on.

::back to school jitters to come soon::

[blue lips]

the pictures in his mind arose
and began to breathe
and all the gods and all the worlds
began colliding on a backdrop of blue


-regina spektor

[halo]


when i came to colorado, i liked to imagine people could look at me and instantly know i was a camp counselor.
in my head i thought, how do you know i'm a camp counselor?
is it the giant bags under my eyes?
is it the aviators perched atop my head?
is it the deep perma-speedo tan?
is it the tie-dyed v-neck t-shirt?
it is the leather and beads around my neck?
is it the sun-bleached hair?
is it the dirt under my nails and between my toes?
or is it the happiness scrawled all over my tired face that gave it away?

now that i've been in training all week, i've imagined people passing in cars and their thoughts on my profession.
excuse me sir, how is it that you know i'm a teacher?
is it the high, stiletto heels?
is it the dress pants and buttoned shirt on a 95 degree day?
is it the lanyard around my neck with a dangling badge?
is it the authoritative, straight-backed way i carry myself?
is it the blue and white tote bag stuffed to the brim?
is it the clean brown hair, pulled into a bun?
or is it the happiness scrawled all over my tired face that gave it away?


either way you look at it, i'm meant to be exactly where i am.
love.

[evening on the ground (lilith's song)]

we were born to fuck each other
one way or another
but i'll only lie
down by the waterside at night


-iron and wine


[more adventurous]

things are looking up.

*wore a cute new dress to school (tee hee)
*received compliments on my aura and positive energy (yes, i'm definitely in colorado...they complimented my aura)
*talked to many new people, and even made plans to go rock climbing (putting that harness to use!)
*got my password to work so i'm legitimately in the school system (technological victory :)
*read a random text message today during a session from a friend back home
*worked on my apartment so much so that it's about 95% complete
*made a giant list of things "to do" and need "to buy"
*crossed off quite a few things on my "to do" list (so satisfying)

i don't know why i always bounce back, but i'm sure glad i do.
i don't know if i'm ready to commit to this place for a long time, but i'm glad i'm here now.

full moon tonight, do you feel a little crazy?

[bridges]

the furrowed bed of sand worries again
as it had before, waves left the land


-dispatch


[letting go of the anchor]


...you were holding me like someone broken....


could that line more perfectly describe closing campfire?
i think not.


::sigh::

i love love love it here.
but camp creeps up on me in those quiet moments.
perhaps this is why i understand homesick campers so well.


goodnight darlings.

[baby blue]

confess,
your kiss still
knocks me off my legs


-dave matthews band


[to this you can attest]


mmm. leftover thai and a glass of red wine, mellowed to the sounds of dave.
you know how i know life is good?
i watched the sun set blood red into the smokey grey mountains while cruising down the freeway, windows down and music up.
it really is the little things.
lori called me today, and i was in no place to answer the phone. later, while listening to her voicemail in line for the buffet, i nearly sobbed. i love everyone at camp so intensely, it's hard to be away.
but mountains and thai are quite the compensation.
we got digital cameras today, and, even better, were allowed to play with them for an assignment. the opening speaker talked about how we are a small district in which everyone is considered family.
i think i'm in the right place :)

peace.

[hallelujah]

it goes like this
the fourth, the fifth
the minor fall, the major lift


-rufus wainwright


[painted on the sky]


...all my bags are packed, i'm ready to go....

but not really. yet the time has thrust itself upon me, much sooner than i ever could have ever been prepared. mentally, i'm in the strange grey space between excited anticipation over a new state, a new place, a brand new job (essentially the culmination of everything i've been striving for my entire life) and leaving this place.
for an outsider looking in, my wavering feelings may seem ridiculous. quite the contrary. this place, pendalouan, has been my home for four years. the place where i've grown into the person i love best, the place where i can make a difference in hundreds of lives each day, the place that i feel comfortable in my own skin. even more than comfortable, i feel loved for exactly who i am. and that, my friends, is something remarkable.
to be loved by the people here, not only by the children, but by a staff of thirty unique and astonishing individuals is something. something extraordinary and wonderful, something that is hard to leave.
this wouldn't be so terrible if everyone were leaving at the same time, but the unfortunate realities of my new teaching job require me to leave a week early. hence the emotional breakdowns, the hole in my heart that widens a little bit every time someone looks at me forlornly, the hole that gapes when people cry for me.

....so kiss me and smile for me....


i don't think i can explain just how much camp means to me. so i won't try tonight. there have already been too many tears as i stared out into the magenta-streaked sky from the t-dock, mourning a parting that is still yet to come.


goodnight for now.

[shake me like a monkey]

do you know what it's like
to feel the light of love inside you
and all the darkness falls away
if you feel the way i feel
then i believe we have the answer
i've been searching for tonight


-dave matthews band


[make love shine]






::sigh of relief::
home.at.last.

well, for a brief moment. the family's next mission, now that we're 3 3/4 together (Scott doesn't count as a whole person, due to his crutches...), is to venture to the cabino up north tomorrow. so much for staying away from the car for a while.

but you better believe i'm appreciating the time out of a moving vehicle.
like whoa.

[bluer]

i get by a little bit
just a little bit
that way


-over the rhine


[day by day]


iowa. ew.
we're almost home....so close, yet so far away. i'm very ready for this to be over. i love my family, but man, so much time with them is a little overwhelming, to say the least.
so for now i'm just trying to hang in there.

i recently (okay, a few hours ago) finished America: Hegemony or Survival by Noam Chomsky, and it put me in a very analytical mood. and with all this time on the road to think, this is the end result....

To answer the question…”Why do I want to help people?”

In consideration of the question, certain terms require definition and clarification before I can continue. Both the terms “people” and “help” are extremely vague and may have undesirable implications if left unaddressed.

The word “help” in application to my own theories, has taken several meanings, dependent upon context. Help could mean “quietly leading by example”, “providing structure and organization when needed”, “noticing internal struggle and lending support through listening or consultation”, “intervening upon request or necessity of situation”, “enabling success in personal or group endeavors”, or any number of different combinations thereabout. Perhaps by explaining what “help” is not, it will be better clarified. “Help” is not actively seeking those people who seem to be experiencing difficulty and, to put it crudely, “butting in” so that I may aid them. Rather, my version of “help” is to aid those who have sought me towards success in their endeavors as thoroughly as possible.

“People” is a word with so many connotations and denotations, which necessitates further exploration and discussion. To apply “people” within my context means any individual or group of individuals that seek or require my assistance. Even requests seemingly unimportant or trivial may have some sort of lasting impact and should not be disregarded. As stated by Mother Theresa, “Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier.” I was so struck by the simplicity and necessity in this statement, as it describes the very essence of what I hope to accomplish, my internal driving force.

With those clarifications, I hope to further explore my own personal motivation, which links directly to my general course of life action. An essential component of the initial question is the word “why”. “Why do I feel it is important to help people?” Let me begin by stating that I am someone very connected to and driven by feelings. The heightened emotional awareness is something that will play an important role throughout this investigation. I, however, digress. In examining my personal motivations for helping, I must explore my connectedness with others. From the beginning, I have always been drawn to people. My first word, “Hi”, clearly delineates the fact that, even as a child, I was aware and involved with others around me. In preschool, I would walk around introducing myself and ask, “Can I help you?” Obviously my desire to aid my peers was already displayed, as I was acting upon internal principles not yet deciphered. Inherently, I feel a connection to the human race, as I am a part of it. Yet at times I am disgusted, even horrified, by people as a whole. The prevalence of such terrors as war, rape, famine, corruption, abuse, and pollution often overwhelm me when viewed as a whole. So why do I want to help people? The answer can be found by examining a person, rather than the collective people. A person, I believe, is inherently good. Evil comes from acting in deliberate opposition to what is good. It is this goodness that I hope to preserve in and elicit from a person when we come into personal contact. I have been described as an “enabler”, and I feel that this is one of the most accurate representations of myself. I recognize the intrinsic good in people. Through my actions, I am then able to bring said person to a position where they are capable of reaching their goals (and ideally goodness). That said, people that come to me with undesirable goals or needs, those that would promote the existence of or induce evil, will not be supported. I enable the good in people. I believe all people are capable of good, and it is my most inherent desire to facilitate that behavior. Everything in life moves in a circle, to paraphrase Black Elk, and whatever is put into the universe will ultimately come back to the bearer. Call it karma, call it circles, call it what you will, the principle remains the same: You get what you give. If, by my actions I am able to produce good that will impact the world, then I have accomplished my ultimate goal.

If, in helping people I am able to enable the good in them, then I have explained the importance of my actions. Yet, I have not entirely answered the question “Why?” Why do I want to help people? Simply this: Because I care. I care about people. I care about their well-being, their education, their general quality of life. I believe that everyone is good, everyone is equal, and everyone deserves to life their life to the best of their ability. It is my desire, spawned from this love, to help. To help improve. To help others improve their lives. Obviously, this is not only accomplished solely through large gestures of charity as exemplified by such leaders as Mother Theresa, but also in small ways. I know I can make a difference just by listening to someone who just needs to talk. It is in these moments, both small and large, that hopefully I can impact a person for good. For good, meaning in a good way and also in a way that will last forever. It is in this way that I am infinite.

In recognition of my intense desire to help bring out the good in people, I must address how this desire has impacted my chosen life course. I am a teacher. I always have been a teacher. In teaching comes leading, though often not directly. Ideally, a teacher is one that shows, explains, involves, structures, and then enables students to successfully explore, manipulate, and ideally understand. This is not always a conscious route, though it is one that will facilitate the most comprehension. Even in my youth I knew I was going to be a schoolteacher. I taught as well, though not in the curriculum sense of the word. To Teach is to be a student of life who conveys what he or she has learned to others and thusly learns from others. I have been driven to teach for several reasons. The first of which is my own thirst for knowledge, for a deeper understanding. To teach is to learn, and I never want to stop learning. Secondly, I feel that education is a valuable tool that is necessary for success. Education, by my definition, is not always what is found in textbooks. A fundamental education provides students with the ability to understand and investigate the world around them, then making important and relevant connections to a scaffolding of prior knowledge that has been structured by life-teachers.

While it has always been my desire to teach, I have since specialized my course. Special Education is a path that became clear to me through my own family. After the birth of my cousin Brian when I was ten, I was introduced into the world of special education. Brian, being born extremely premature at one pound, one ounce, was born with cerebral palsy and cognitive impairments. Through volunteering to work with Brian at a stable that facilitates horseback-riding for the physically, emotionally, and cognitively impaired, I worked with a population that seemed to need me so very much that I fell in love, so to speak. I knew that they needed me, and I had the skills and the desire to help them in every way possible to be successful. Working with students with special needs seems to me the only way to teach. Each child is different, thus they all have “special needs”. Some, however, have much more trouble learning from the established framework of education. These are the people with whom I want to work. To enable them to learn is much like a giant puzzle, a completely engaging task.

I have established my desire to work in the education field, providing the fundamental scaffolding to those students with special needs. Now it is necessary to discuss the importance of working with youth. The sooner you can “get” to a student, the sooner you can ignite within them the desire to learn and to accomplish good, the more likely they are to be successful in their future endeavors. I liken this to the archer who knocks his arrow. If the arrow is set wrong, if the fletchings are facing the wrong direction, the arrow will not fly correctly and may not make it to the target at all. You can’t change an arrow’s path mid-flight. Once it is shot, it is gone for good. So I compare elementary education to the knocking of the arrow. The positioning of the archer is essential, as well as the knowledge of the archer in setting the arrow correctly. It is a job of much importance, one that I am deeply invested in through my work as a teacher and camp counselor.

And so it is in these ways that I hope to impact others. What will the future hold as far as helping? I hope to join the Peace Corps sometime in the near future, thus fulfilling my desire to travel as well as to help people in meaningful ways. Another goal of mine is to work as a photojournalist, bringing to the forefront of public domain the necessity of humanitarian aid through disclosing both the good and bad aspects of humanity and world culture. Still another path is environmental law. My ability to think logically and connectedly, in combination with my intense stubbornness and beliefs, provide a solid basis for tackling a structure, which, if changed, will facilitate the betterment of the environment. Thus, facilitating the betterment of humanity.

My goal in life is, simply, to make a difference.


hah, i just realized the title of the post is also the color i scored in Margaret's personality test. go figure. everything in my life is blue.
i like it that way :)

[cecilia]

oh cecilia, i'm down on my knees
i'm begging you please to come home


-simon & garfunkel


[hotel song]


welp, i'm back here again. another hotel. with the family.
but this time WE'VE MADE IT!
we're in Denver.
we're moving my things in tomorrow.
it's all real.
it's all happening!
and it feels right.

driving away from camp i was more homesick than i've ever been in my entire life. isn't it strange, how i've never been homesick for the place i grew up as a child, but now at 23 years old, i am homesick for the place that i've experienced the most growth and so much love and support. literally, i was a mess in the car yesterday, texting everyone i could think of at camp. did the same thing today, i won't lie about that.


but for as awful as it felt to leave camp, it feels so good to be here now. i know that Denver is the place for me at this point in my life. do i have to stay here forever? of course not. will i stay as long as i need to? of course. i don't plan on settling anytime soon, and i know that places like Seattle and Chicago are calling me still. but I plan on enjoying the hell out of Denver while i'm here.

it seems strange to be so grown up, having everything in my name. it all belongs to me. and i can afford it. whew. yet with that all comes responsibilities, namely for the children i will be teaching. that's another thing. in the car i was worrying about teaching and how everything will happen, but then i had this dream.

...and we all know dreams are your mind's way of processing your feelings and happenings of your life....

and in my dream i was in the classroom and all the kids were really noisy, but all it took was for me to say that i knew how they were expected to behave, and that quieted them down and they got to work.

...dream message interpreted: yes, i know damn well how to do my job. i've got all the skills and confidence in the world, as well as support from my co-workers and friends. and i will go in there and be successful, no matter what...

yay for sleeping most of the trip.
Kansas, you are BEYOND boring. sayonara, and good riddance.
hello, mountains :) i'm home.


rocky mountain high, indeed.

[born]

put your elbows on the table
i will listen long as i am able
there's nowhere i'd rather be


-over the rhine


[celebrate the whole world]


i'm not entirely sure how i'm at this point in my life.
but somehow i made it.
i'm moving tomorrow.
not staying, of course. just moving.
eighteen hours in the van with my parents.
whoa.

it only makes sense that i was so blindsided by this moving business, i've been at camp. when you're at camp, you're entirely there. your whole world is camp. and whoa baby, has this week been an adventure of epic proportions.

let's just call this first session homesickness/bodily fluids week.

never have i ever cleaned up so much vomit.
never have i ever witnessed so much dehydration.
never have i ever consoled so many homesick campers.
never have i ever dispersed so much itching cream.
never have i ever felt so at home, and so happy.


camp is made for campers, and god knows i love working with them. it felt so good to be needed, even appreciated by the campers. they all seemed to know my name and want to talk to me :) drama performed a skit all about schistosomes in which the punchline revolved around me accidentally ordering sand from an itching powder company. brilliant work, boys and dramatists. helping blackfoot plan their chapel was probably a highlight of the week. man, i miss having a cabin.

the waterfront is, per usual, an s.s., but the problems are slowly resolving themselves. the electricity's back to normal, the mooring posts are marked with dive buoys, and no one's died in the yellow section yet. so now dom and eric are running the show. good luck, my dears. i'll be back for sess. 3. or is it technically session 4....? this awkward half-ish session was not one of the greatest ideas ever. i'm curious to see how the campers and staff are handling fifty kids, thirty of whom are stayovers, for four days. i hope there's documentation :)




of course, i've neglected this blog terribly! i haven't even written about staff orientation (which, naturally, was an s.s. as well, since we were dismally disorganized!). i'm madly in love with the staff, they appear to be one of the best i've worked with ... we'll see how the summer shapes up. it's so great to work with all the returners, whom i love dearly, and the new folks are fantastic. so here's to a summer like none other, one more on the shores of Big Blue. truly, it is home, and i cannot wait to get back and be all up in it.

[live high]

and oh, let's take it easy
and celebrate the malleable reality
because nothing is ever as it seems
this life is but a dream


-jason mraz


[rocky mountain high]


life lesson #5,672: schistosomes a mile high still itch. a lot.

so, i'm finally here. denver. it seems so surreal, watching television with the fam in the hotel room. of course, it's so appropriate that john denver is on, playing what song? oh, rocky mountain high. love it. quote of the night: "not everyone knows west virginia, but everyone knows what it feels like to go home." and russell road, how you do that so, so well.

things that have become clear to me over the long travel hours:

my mother does NOT travel well.
my father has the patience of a literal saint.
my body HATES me and has the worst timing in the entire world.
schistosomes are most prevalent at the end of may and early june (what genius got in the water in early june....me.)

my mother and i do not see eye to eye, especially in regards to moving dates. i am adamant about moving over the week of July 4th, which will eliminate the need for me to take off any more time from camp than absolutely necessary. she believes that i should sign the lease for august, which would require me to miss the second to last week of camp (on top of the last week i'll already be missing) in order to save money. while i see her point, there is no price you can put on camp. it is home, and i will do whatever i have to in order to spend as much time there as possible during my last summer.

i have not spent this much time with my parents in a VERY long time. my patience is definitely hanging on by a thread. it's only sunday.

i'm going to have to deal with a whole lot of adult issues, like making rent payments, utility bills, setting up internet and cable, insurance, medical costs, phone bills....um, basically i'm going to have to get my act together if i want to be successful in a big city with a small salary. but it's my salary, all the same, and i'm incredibly proud of the work i'm doing. i wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

moving is exciting/overwhelming/terrifying/thrilling....indescribable. there are still so many questions: what grade will i be teaching, how am i going to set up my classroom, where will i get my allergy shots, where is the closest YMCA and farmer's market, how am i going to learn spanish in two months, how am i going to make friends, will i be able to find people to come outside and play with me, when can i go camp in the mountains, what will happen when i leave everyone behind? the unknowns are stressful. i am going to have to rely on that deep-rooted confidence in my own ability to adapt and overcome. not that it's going to be a chore to move, i'm beyond excited about it, but it is going to present challenges that will push my limits.

i say bring it on.

and while i'm here in denver, focused on finding somewhere to live, i'm totally neglecting my waterfront director duties. there are SO many things that need to be taken care of in regards to the waterfront, like putting in swim lines, sweeping the area for debris, marking the swim sections, blowing up tubes and the volleyball net, making posts for the rule signs, getting together information for the waterfront session of staff orientation (my role in staff orientation is something i've COMPLETELY neglected and i will go crazy as soon as i get back to camp trying to put everything together).


whew. breathe.


i don't quite understand how this is all going to work out, but somehow we'll fit it all in. everything will get done exactly as it needs to.


peace.

[kids]

the memories fade
like looking through a fogged mirror
decisions to decisions are made
and not bought
but i thought this wouldn't hurt a lot
i guess not


-mgmt


[like spinning plates]


okay, it's decision time, kids.

i've got a job offer from san diego.
i've got a second interview with fremont (san francisco) on may 15th.
i've got a phone call from the director of special ed in adams county (denver).

as i am me, i made my pros and cons list, i analyzed the situations thoroughly, and ....



...drumroll.....




i still have no idea what to do. big surprise.



gut feeling - fremont.
safe choice - san diego.
most playtime - adams county.




the kicker: san diego gave me thirty days to decide. i'm down to twenty-seven now. AND rumor has it fremont won't start hiring until mid-june.
eeek!


helpful advice welcomed.


love.

[come around]

would you come down and catch my train?
would you run down and play this game?


-m.i.a.



[all deliberate speed]


new favorite statement from the mouth of a child:


kat: sneaks up to the front of the line, looks up to see if i'm watching, pauses. "miss j, i snuck up on you! You didn't see me!"

me: poker-faced "yep, definitely did. watched you run right on up here."

kat: all disbelief "you did? really?"

me: complete seriousness "yep. i see everything you guys do."

kat: sincere in only the way a third-grader can be: "you have eyes like a hawk."


darling, you better believe i do. they're on the back of my head, too :)



in other news:
job fair at the Bres tomorrow. here we go again.


love.

[save me]

crazy thoughts have quick wings


-jem



[so it goes...]



...and thus the chaos of packing begins.


my room is a shell of it's former self.
my bed is on the floor.
everything i own is already in a box.
fourteen days before i am at camp.
six teaching days left.
one formal observation period.
one job fair.
one birthday.
one commencement ceremony.


the numbers are dwindling quickly...



peace.

[jaws swimming theme]

tobacco and peppermint, dusting for fingerprints
film in her eyes from the glow


-brand new



[strange brew]



there's an unsettling concoction of nostalgia, fear, and adrenaline brewing within me.
my fight or flight senses always opt for flight in facing crises.
looks like i'm headed for a midnight run tonight.


call me a safe bet, i'm betting i'm not.

[movin' on]

i wouldn't say that i miss you
but somethin' keeps me with you
there's something about movin'
teaches you how to move on


-daisy may


[sleepless]



slightly calmer now.
still thinking in lists of things to do.
still wanting to cram in as much special time with people as possible.
but i know that life is going the way it needs to.
thank goodness for friends who answer their phones.

[okay, i believe you, but my tommy gun don't]

i am heaven sent
don't you dare forget
i am all you've ever wanted


-brand new


[coordinate brain and mouth]


random mash of feelings here:


i have approximately 17 days left here.
whoa baby.

i'm scheduling second interviews with schools in california.
i'm due for another job fair in 11 days.


oe is coming faster than i realized....and the waterfront at pendy is close on it's heels.


there are a million things to be excited about, but all i can think about are the things that i will be leaving.
i guess that's just more incentive to live it up while i'm here.


so tell me why, if i'm supposed to be focused on the here and now, am i nostalgic for all things and people chicago?



i'm just an emotional mess of contradictions. so what else is new.


i guess you could call it absolutely normal chaos.


and really, it keeps life interesting.

[true affection]

your depths made a pressure that punctured my works
and all your fluids couldn't tolerate the force of my thirst
i love the place where we shared our tiny grace
but just because it's real don't mean it's gonna work


-the blow


[ray-ban glasses]


after an insane week of running around, finishing my portfolio, printing copies of my resume, making a packing list, making a dozen playlists, actually packing my bags, writing final lesson plans, making a sign for my students, putting up bulletin boards, re-packing my bags (compulsive), charging my everything, sitting through eight hours of conferences, talking on the phone to dear friends, emailing my paranoid mother, visiting the atm a dozen times, teaching literacy under the sea, and reflecting on my unit, the time has finally come.
i've packed so much into the past (almost three) days, it's hard to believe this is real.


california, here i come.


keep your fingers crossed.
hopefully when i pack my bags to come home, i'm packing some job offers as well.



love all.

[her morning elegance]

soon she's down the stairs
her morning elegance she wears
the sound of water makes her dream
awoken by a cloud of steam
she pours a daydream in a cup
a spoon of sugars sweetens up


-oren lavie


[les artistes]


lovely, slow morning.
woke up on a couch, drowsied with a friend for an hour.
walked out alone into the mist, headed for home to the sounds of santogold, oren lavie, and the pat mcgee band playing on my trusty ipod.
detoured at a bagel shop down the street, ran into the church crowd that spilled out the door.
received a phone call from a far-away friend while i was waiting for my breakfast, he walked me home amidst traffic wooshes and beeps.
sipped on a smoothie, conversed about future plans, friends moving across the country, the ridiculous trend of marrying early, picking our bridesmaids and groomsmen, and the seductive powers of rock band.
he's coming in a week and a half. i can't wait to see him.
that conversation was the perfect way to ease into this day.


love.

[jesus christ]

jesus christ that's a pretty face
the kind you'd find on someone i could save


-brand new


[high and dry]



it's funny how i've always said i'm not ready for a real, long term relationship, i'm too busy, blah blah blah, but now at the end of all things i finally feel like i'm ready for one.

maybe i'm just reaching out for security during a time that is about to become very unstable.

go figure.

[machinehead]

i spin on a whim
slide to the right
i felt you like electric light


-bush


[grey sky eyes]



to describe the past five days:

mostly surreal.


it's hard to believe this is all coming to an end.

[jesus, etc]

jesus don't cry
you can rely on me honey
you can come by
any time you want


-wilco


[in your head]



this beautiful spring day finds me at a loss for words.
my heart is full, while my head is still stuck in last night.
so many things came together, the tying of loose ends.
i can't possibly articulate it.

do you ever have that sensation, when you're wrapped up in someone's arms, that you know you are exactly where you are meant to be?

that was a long time coming.

[naked]

you're naked inside your fears
can't take back all those years


-goo goo dolls



[big things, little things]


it's always the little things that come up big on bad days.

i imploded last night. just a hot mess, to be sure. even the parents were involved.
everything blew up, so i caved right in.
took a personal day today (which is a BIG deal. i don't miss teaching. ever.) in order to get myself caught up, slaving over my portfolio, assignments, applications, unit plans, etc.
then who walks in my door after she gets out of work?
my roommate, carrying a shamrock shake (a.k.a. sunshine in a cup) for me!
best roommate ever :)

so here's to the little things, and the happiness they bring.
and here's to the people that care, and show it through little things.

[sunken-eyed girl]

sunken-eyed girl on the ludlow street
junkieland once but they swept it up so
sing in my mind singing you're so sweet
i need a bundle of dope just to numb it out


-mike doughty



[great expectations]


best comment/compliment i've ever heard:
a couple of friends and i went out to dinner the other day. over quesadillas, brent asked me why i had chosen to become a vegetarian. i explained my reasons, which really aren't all that deep or political, and he in turned questioned how i had made that decision so young, when "everybody else waits until at least high school".
i told him simply, "i'm not everybody else."
his response was to say, "of course you're not everybody else. you're exactly who you're supposed to be, which is why i want to know why you made that choice."
i'm pretty sure i didn't stop grinning while i gave my answer. that was by far the best response i've ever gotten. i despise when people tell me, "everybody else does ...." and my usual retort is just what i had said to brent. i'm not everybody else. usually people are at a loss for words with that one. i'm so glad brent got it.
we proceeded to have an in-depth discussion of brand new, which made me love him even more.
my weekend was spent hanging with the guys, just like freshman year. lots of laughs, dancing, and drinking.
good times, good people.
i needed that.

[homebird]

fly me high
on an angel's wing


-foy vance


[unanswerables]



why is it that when i do laundry, there's always that one infernal sock that seems to have lost it's partner? where does that dang sock go? one of these days i'm going to get in the dryer with my socks to see what portal they fall through...

why is it that when the snows melt, the rains falls, and the temperatures rise my head goes out the window? i'm in a total and utter state of non-motivation. slackerhood. i'm never going to get a teaching job, at this rate.

why is it that when i lose an hour, i still choose to disregard all the work i need to accomplish and instead spend my time wandering aimlessly around my empty house? everyone's gone for spring break, why do i still feel like someone's going to come home any minute?


one of these days....

[snails]

snails see the benefits
the beauty in every inch


-the format


[heavier things]

i'm going to go ahead and step out on a limb.
whoever said that we die alone was wrong. maybe not entirely, in that the physical act of dying is one that can only experienced by that person. but no one is ever truly alone.
from the very instant of our conception, we are not alone. we are nourished in the womb by our mother, then, once born, we rely on our parents and family members to care for us until we are fully capable of caring for ourselves (that point in time remains to be defined).
we then spend our days occupied in two ways. the first of these is our main task, the force that drives our existence. we spend our time making connections. day to day, we are surrounded by people. around 7 billion of them, if you really stop and think about it. some of those people we will never meet, some of those people will pass near us, and some of them will, in a sense, pass through us. we connect with others, and in that connection a part of them is left in us. some we relate to more than others, and thus in their absence, a larger part is left. a wise man once said "i am a part of all i have met." i believe that the converse is also true: we are the sum of all we have met. in this way, we are infinite and others are infinite through us.
the question remains. why do we spend so much time trying to connect with people? humans are a social animal, we thrive on our relationships and ultimately cannot function without them. there is the occasional aberration, the hermits that live on the outskirts of society, unable or unwilling to function surrounded by humans. but by doing this, they defy an integral part of their nature. we talk, we socialize, because we are not complete people. each of us is comprised of different qualities, different natures. yet it is only through others that we not only come to know ourselves, but also how we become complete. like the chinese yin yang, we each have within us a given amount of light and dark, positive and negative, and it is in our connections, our real relationships that give us a balance.
it is also through others that we come to know ourselves. this brings me to the second, and ultimately most important occupation. we come to understand ourselves. a philosopher decreed, "know thyself." this is, indeed, our most consuming task, for people on the surface seem to never remain quite the same. yes, people change. but the nature of a person, that integral part of someone, does not alter. it is only unearthed or added upon, in a sense. and we do this by making those important connections with people. this also explains why some people do not remain in our lives. we find at times that it may be impossible to continue a friendship, or people drift away. the balance that they once provided is gone, because in their presence they have provided a new understanding of yourself - adding on or unearthing a part of your true nature. and this part may not always be compatible with the other person. so, a split. but that does not mean that they've left your life forever. just the opposite, in fact. they are integrally a part of you, having shaped your identity in a deeper way.
yet no one truly knows the same person. we are all comprised of different defining qualities, and we respond differently to other people. the person that knows me as a loudmouthed waterfront director would not know me in the same way as the person who knows me as an older sister, who in turn would not know me as an energetic fourth grade teacher. is it possible for one person to know someone entirely? recognize all of their faces, their masks, their facets? this is someone that people, whether knowingly or unknowingly, spend their lives seeking.
and so we go through life, searching out those people that help best define us, help us find who we truly are. the catholics believe that there is one person, one ultimate match that completes everyone. call it a soulmate, life partner, husband, wife, whatever. it is a common belief that somewhere out there, everyone has someone that will bring them balance. though once you find that person, what kind of a union you enter into is dependent upon what religion or spirituality you uphold.
despite the existence of that balancing person, those people that complete you, those people that pass through you, you will ultimately die, and that will be your choice. you may not choose to get cancer, you may not choose to have parkinsons, but that moment of death is you, letting go of your own life force. it is not always a conscious decision, but it is still your very own. some choose to take it more violently than others. suicide is a brutal denial of that balance, a person thrown so out of sync with universe that they feel they have no control. their only sense of power, their way of knowing themselves is to take their own life. what pushes a person to that extreme, i cannot say. but death, the ultimate knowing of yourself, is your own final decision.
and so it is, that when we die, it is like a rock thrown into a still lake at dawn. the ripples fan out in ever growing concentric circles, and each molecule of water is in some way affected. that lake then would be the people that you have met and affected throughout your life. in that moment, you are at once both physically alone and occupied by every soul that has passed through you. and the parts of you that you have left behind in others, they continue on forever.

[american girls]

american girls are feathers and cream
come into bed so edible


-counting crows


[dreamcatcher]


in dreams....

last night i dreamed i was bleeding uncontrollably, talking to my dead grandfather in his old house, calling my CT to tell him i was going to urgent care and couldn't come in today to teach. there was a ship involved at some point.

[side note: last night i gouged my foot on glass, which caused a cut that would not stop bleeding]

several nights ago my dreams were haunted by a serial killer lurking in the shadows of a hotel i was visiting. i knew it was only a matter of time before he found me, in a dusk ridden hotel lobby strewn with bodies.

on wednesday of last week, i wandered in my dream dressed in a gorgeous pink prom dress like a lost doll. jessa and katie sb provided me with makeup, then went out to the car while i walked zombie-like around the house, convinced i needed my jacket, a purse, my shoes, something. i was looking for something while seeing ace of base rolling around the floor. there was also a tub filled with rose petals for me, though i could not use it - i was already late for the dance.

[side note: i woke up from this dream 5 minutes after i was supposed to have left the house]

on another happy occasion in dreamland, i dreamed i was being first spooned then strangled, only to wake up hitting the person next to me.


i don't know what i'm so afraid of, but i do know this: sleep has not been a comfortable experience for me as of late. anyone care to interpret?


peace all.

[you don't know me]

so, what i'm trying to say is
what (what?)
i'm trying to tell you
it's not gonna come out
like i wanna say it
'cause i know you'll only change it
say it

you don't know me
you don't know me
you don't know me
at all.




-ben folds ft. regina spektor


[your favourite weapon]


how can you live with someone for so long and still, after so many years, they have no idea what kind of person you are or what would be best for you?

case in point: my mother. i've made it very clear that my heart is out west, that my greatest ambition at this point is to get a special education teaching job in seattle (or portland, or even san francisco/LA - somewhere urban). obviously, because she's my mother, she would like to keep me around, see me teach in the area for a while. yes. i will apply to some schools in grand rapids or ann arbor, partly to humor her, partly because i do love both of those cities and would deal best with living there if i had to stay in michigan. apparently, those weren't good enough for her.

the woman operates on teeth for a living. i'm sure she got this poor person strapped to a chair, stuffed with painful, torturous instruments, completely incapacitated their ability to talk, and extracted the information by force. however she did it, my mother managed to obtain the address of the superintendent for the troy school district.
troy.
michigan.
suburbiaville.
close to home.
are any of these things even remotely close to what i'm looking for in a job location?
NO.
i will apply, but i will not accept, should i be considered for hire.
to work there would be to put my sanity on the line.
suburbia, hah.
what was she thinking?
oh, mother.

surgeon general's warning: don't try my patience right now, it's currently unplugged.


peace.

[bad day]

broadcast me a joyful noise unto the times
count your blessings


-r.e.m.


[on the radio]


funny, that R.E.M. song is one of my faves, but the title is misleading. it's definitely a song for a good day, like today.

it's 45 degrees.
it's sunny.
i'm recovering from the latest bout of flu.
i went outside without a coat.
life is beautiful.

[africa]

i seek to cure what's deep inside
frightened of this thing that i've become


-toto




[she's not a girl that misses much]



engaged in a spoon war today at the chili cook off with one of my fourth graders.
i would say, i'm oblivious to most things - acting like a child will do that. but dang, it sure was fun to run around flicking people with a plastic spoon :)
so much for being an adult.


peace all.

[i wish i was a girl]

and i'm going down to hollywood
they're gonna make a movie from the things
that they find crawlin' round my brain


-counting crows


[keep it safe and slow]


highlights from chi:

happy surprises: jory's face upon seeing megan, rocketing through the dark, playing with the garmin, good conversation, musical interlude, making it to the porches, once again home.

dirty dancing: megan and i wandered around the city on a search, almost died going up steel steps, and danced like nobody's business while pretending to be girlfriends in an attempt to avoid undesirable attention, fake kiss included.

late night pizza talk: chuck and i talked over the world's best pizza, late into the night. it is in these moments that the world seems right.

slug-a-bed: waking up at eight to a phantom alarm. pizza for breakfast. surgeon general's warning - be advised, yellow blanket is crack in blanket form. may induce coma like state for greater part of the day. waking up softly to sigur ros. burritos and pictures of days gone by. talking away the day away in drowsy tones.

communal dinner: adventures in dominick's for stir fry, maneuvering around chacho's to make our delicious meal, BREAD AND BRIE, love in the kitchen in teasing form, SWEET MANDY B'S cupcake delights. sweet mandy b's, you have my soul for all eternity. smoking hot red beans and rice. my mouth is still on fire. who thought it was a good idea to shovel through it?

silly scrabble: clowds, nintndooee, iqratch, twee, tlee, vd - love the madness. during that game i laughed harder than i've laughed in a good, long time.

(side note: apparently i laugh like santa clause, and thus the logical conclusion is that i am secretly married to the man with a bowl full of jelly and a magnificent beard.)

quiet knight inside: movie time at the porches. curled up, picking apart one of the better movies i've seen. early night with mysterious lights on.

grey morning: chicago bagel authority - they sure know what they're talking about, instigating an aluminum foil war, nefarious strategery, laughs along the walk back. "i'm going to get into the car and fall asleep" "oh, thank god", parking ticket delights, close hugs goodbye.

on the road again: getting lost trying to find gas, "do you know where you're at? be careful.", panera love, quiet talks of everything, more hugs goodbye.

another adventure in chicago gone by. what is it about that city that is so good?
it is the people we find that make homes in our hearts who are carried with us wherever we go.
so home is just another word for you, friend.
and all is love.


peace all.

[braille]

she was lying on the floor counting stretch marks
she hadn't been a virgin and he hadn't been a god
so they named the baby elvis
to make up for the royalty he lacked


-regina spektor


[reaffirmation]


you know how i know i'm meant to be a special ed teacher?
give me a small, ADHD child and i melt all to pieces.
i want to do everything within my physical capability to help.
(well, that's one of the reasons, anyway.)
my class took a field trip to the michigan historical museum today.
have i mentioned that i love them?
i'm subbing for them on tuesday...here we go, legit teaching.
yes please.




peace, all.

[how you survived the war]

you never multiply, all these divisions
you give yourself the least of parts
i put on my green felt hat; pack our provisions
playing a merry prince of thieves


-the weepies


[stand inside your love]


my students requested to stay inside for recess and watch the inauguration.
i had "appalachian spring" stuck in my head all day.
my body decided to quit on me and i nearly blacked out before tutoring.
i simply cannot put into words how excited i am for this weekend. love.
oh, the possibilities.


peace, all.

[the resolution]

there's a lot that i don't know
there's a lot that i'm still learning
but i think i'm letting go
to find my body, it's still burning

-jack's mannequin


[light in the darkness]


some days learning how to let go is not only the toughest lesson, but also the one that is most crucial.
i won't be held back any longer.
here it goes.


here's to looking forward to this, my last semester, and living it up to every expectation.
more adventures to come.


peace, all.

[ocean breathes salty]

the ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in
in your head, in your heart, in your soul


-modest mouse


[o valencia]


okay. time to start looking at the good things that have happened recently.

*brunch with the interns. we get stared at wherever we go....something about being loud? that's familiar.
*2am phone call from chuck. apparently i'm "the balls of life". i'm putting that one in my pocket and pulling it out on a rainy day. so stinking good :) there's something about our walking home talks that provoke such deep reflection.
*having everyone home! all the roomies are back and there's a joyful noise once again in my house.
*snow shoveling partners in crime!
*hanging out with monty and emilie, watching men in black and talking about life.
*getting my learning disabilities certification test over with!
*reading to the children and OWNING! they all had their own copies of the book and were supposed to be reading along, but more than half the class had put down their books, staring at me in something like awe. yes.

oh, so much love.
here comes another week, my first complete week.
time to get back into routine again.
time to start working towards the end.
all things go.
i think i'll enjoy the trip.


peace all.

[you were meant for me]

i hear the clock
it's six am
i feel so far
from where i've been

-jewel


[teardrop in my eye]


WHAM.
BANG.
SLAP.
it all just hit me in this overwhelming rush of emotions.
i miss camp more than i can say.
there's a reason i don't poke around facebook and look at pictures.
why i did it today, i don't know.
all i know is now i'm overcome with this intense need for summer and all those wonderful people that make pendy home.
may and june cannot come soon enough.

come together, right now.

peace all.

[can't go back now]

you know there will be days
when you're so tired
you can't take another step


-the weepies


[gravity]



when i'm around groups of children, i'm onstage. but that doesn't stop my laughter or emotions from being extremely genuine. today during tutoring, i had three more children than usual, as one of the other interns was out. me, being the klutz that i am, proceeded to drop a magnetic letter from the board, go to sit down and knock over one of the baskets, and then sit down only to fall gracelessly to the floor. we all burst out into laughter. yep, children, gravity's still working today.
every child proceeded to try it and say the same thing.
god, sometimes kid's laughter is medicinal. definitely much needed during dark winter days when all you can do all day is think about sleep, yet when it comes time for bed you lie awake for hours, tossing and turning.
emo. slightly.
don't worry, already over it.


peace, all.

[10,000 stones]

10,000 stones are hanging
deep in my heart
no i don't know how they
don't tear me apart
how could i ever believe
10,000 stones would build
the best of me

-adrianne


[a long december]


i can't even handle the torrent of emotions thrust upon me today.
day one of my new classroom: i spent only a half day with them, and i've already learned all of their names, and have even managed to fall in love with several tiny, overwhelmingly ADHD, cuttingly insightful children. we got to talk about the causes of electricity and world war two. "so you're telling me we won world war two by cheating?!" direct quote. there's also a third grader reading the twilight series. THEY READ! WILLINGLY! score. i'm in LOVE. this will be a semester to remember, to be sure.
this afternoon found me back in the resource room with each and every one of my babies, scarfing down cheesy bread and watching august rush. they bombarded me with hugs and unconditional love and gifts, among them a beautiful norwegian fur tree (they wanted to give me something that would give back to the environment!) with handmade decorations and a gorgeous compilation of handwritten farewell letters and pictures of my shenanigans with the kids in the classroom. bawling. i can't even describe how overwhelmed i was. obviously, not overwhelmed enough to pass up a photoshoot with my babies, but still, absolutely floored. they've had this one in the works for a while, from the looks of it. so impressed.
what i'm trying to say, in short, is that i feel loved. and i love them right back.
joy.
now the night finds me indulging in an NCIS marathon next to balloons, various teaching ornaments of the A+ variety, and a half eaten sheetcake which once bore the words "We Will Miss You, Miss Jam Nik". apparently my first name is now jam. sounds good to me.

peace all.

[angel from montgomery]

if dreams were lightning and thunder was desire
this old house would have burned down long ago


-john prine with bonnie raitt


[live your life]


one thing i love about sundays: they are mine. mine to do as i choose, to spend or waste according to my whim. i have an uncanny ability to shut out the world on sundays (something that awes my friends and incites disbelief). i slept for a fabulous twelve hours, ignoring the rain and lolling about in my sheets, comfortably cocooned. though my sleep was not necessarily comfortable, nor has it been for quite a while.
ever since i have been on break, i have been plagued by nightmares about my coming placement with the third and fourth graders. don't get me wrong, i'm so excited to be with them in the general education setting. the man i'll be working with is a full blown science NERD who takes his kids to outdoor ed every may, and some of my favorite students from the resource room will be my students yet again. i'll have the privilege of teaching all day long, with a set schedule, no one coming or going. the only thing i'll have to work my lessons around are specials, and those happen at the same time every week. wow. this sounds like a cakewalk, right?
one would think.
yet still, while i sleep, doubt invades my dreams. desks are taller than i am, students are running amuck without listening, i am in the wrong classroom without my teaching bag or my phone, and i have no idea what is on the schedule.
that's not all. past failed relationships, bad haircuts, and an inability to photograph the most beautiful things i've ever seen all swim inside my head, feeding on my doubts and fears.
guess the next thing to do is prove all of these doubts wrong, and go take the day and make it mine.

musings:

this year should prove eventful, given all my goals for the next 365 days.

-run a half marathon in may
-learn how to butterfly
-move out west at the end of summer
-live independently
-teach in my own classroom
-establish myself as a photographer
-buy a kayak

here's to making it happen.

peace all.

[holiday in spain]

oh well, happy new year's baby
we can probably fix it if we clean it up all day


-counting crows


[alice in wonderland]


this new year's eve found me a bit like alice, down the rabbit hole in a little place called the porches with a host resembling the march hare. true to form, the plot was magical, with strange characters, stranger substances, and general chaos reigning the night.

or maybe it was more like dorothy in the wizard of oz, though i doubt very much that dorothy ever rode the bus, subject to bawdy cheers from passers-by. nor was she ever involved in inadvertent destruction of property, nor dancing with reckless abandon, nor standing on a windy platform, waiting for the el with silver disco ball shoes in hand, nor hailing a taxi in tights at five a.m., extravagantly over-tipping upon arrival.

maybe my new year's eve experience wasn't like any of those girls, but instead maybe it was celebrated true to form, in only the way i can. with fresh food, wonderful people, crazy antics, a windy city, and most importantly, with so much love.

here's to a fabulous new year.

peace all.